Unique Situation...hardley...sad...part 3

[PArob]

I have to tell you, that positive enegy I was feeling on Monday has certainly slipped today. Looks like we missed our goal this week ;-) In any event, I started a major backslide this morning. Started R conversation almost immediately...a whole big mess. I wish I had electro shock to buzz me everytime I start these things...basically I am really down at this point too, but I have to dig myself out of this rut. I MUST practice what I preach. Okay, enough about me, I have my own post to do that...

With regard to you, I can see that you're in a rut and I wish I could say or do something to make you better. I can only offer some views and hopefully they will make sense.

The longer the A goes on, the more likely the WAS is to go permanently. DB says the exact opposite. I

Okay, I have to admit, I secretly buy into this. If the spouse is allowed to continue on the A, what's the likelihood that they will stop it? But then again, I truly wonder. In my own experience, I wasn't "permitted" to carry on with the A. Basically I was presented with the choice of either/or, maybe not so much in those words, but I could see it. I can't lie, I did come back, but for the first couple months, I still had nagging feelings. I worked with this girl and I would see her occassionally. In time, those feelings subsided. But what if I had been allowed to continue on? I don't know, how long before those feelings would have subsided? Now, I have to say that in my instance, there were other circumstances as well. I'm so embarrassed by the whole ordeal becasue at the time, I had a wonderful position within our agency, top notch stuff. Lets just say that my W and my boss found out around the same time. Boom. I'm faced with likely losing my W and I lost my position. I was demoted and lost a good deal of money in the process. Okay, here is where the guilt comes in for sure...becasue of that loss, my W was basically forced to take the current job she has....that is, the one where OM works.

Okay, I'm getting off track. The question is whether letting the A go in is good or bad in the long run. I wish I had the answer. I know that if either of us have a chance at saving what we have, our W's emotions must be allowed to run their course. How? I don't know...in my sitch, I hope and pray that my W has chosen to put herself back into this marriage and will work out those emotions over time. I suppose if I stop being such a sh*thead, maybe they will. But, as with your W, she is not one to exrpess a lot of remorse here. But then again, in hindsight, neither did I. Although once I knew for certain that my feelings were 100% with my W, I did take her to Niagara Falls and surprised her with a vow renewal. That was a turning point for me...it signaled to me and to her that she was my life.

You're the best one to analyze your sitch. In a lot of ways, the DB principles are sound because its based on validation of her feelings, in a sense. You're not invalidating her feelings by demanding that they mean squat. It would be nice if she could do this in the context of your R, but she hasn't. But, I will tell you this, even DB/DR does note that at some point, a day of reckoning must come (remember, the last last resort technique). When you've reached that point where you can no longer take it and there has been no progress, you will put your foot down and demand a choice. However, you must be prepared to follow through and that is where the GAL is essential.

The problem is that my W does not share any feelings for me to validate.

Yeah, I echo this. My W really doesn't either. I just know that she has "feelings" for OM. I know that, at least at one time, she wanted "excitement and adventure". Okay, those are extremely vague emotions...but nonetheless they are emotions, and they are very real to her. In your sitch, your W has feelings with regard to OM. They are very real to her. You cannot discount them as being wrong, right, indifferent or otherwise. Does it mean that you have to embrace them? No...you have your boundaries, but you cannot, by yourself, change them. You don't have to understand her need to be with Mr. Right Now, just understand that she has feelings. This is hard to do, but put yourself in her shoes, truly. See your R through her eyes. Validation isn't so much about embracing someone elses feelings, you have established values and boundaries, its simply about understanding them.

Actually it was when I told her the story about the women at the bday party thinking I looked good. I somehow forgot everything I know and said it was great because it made my W jealous!

A-ha! Yes, I just did the same thing myself last night. A young girl here at work has commented on how well I dress and look. Yesterday she came over to show me her new shirt...innocently enough and defintely innocent on my part. But I had to share the story with W.....why, because it made me feel good? Well, yeah, but a little part of me was looking for that reaction from her. A little jealousy. Its those things that you and I have to get rid of. How? I wish I knew. But amen on this one.

In my case, I agree with my W, our marriage has not been close or loving in a long time. Long enough that I cannot truly remember a blissful time when we were both happy. If I am my W, and I feel that way too, what is there to come back to? What reason is there to fight?

I have to ask you, are you sure about this? I mean I look back at my M and remember a lot of hard, difficult times. But then again, I can look back and see some very defined happy moments. The days our children were born, our first house, vow renewal in Canada, lots of little moments. In your M, there has to be reasons to fight....you guys have stuck by each other through things over the last several years...that IS something to fight for. and, like you said a changed dynamic, a new start for both of you. You both found and married each other for a reason.

I guess I've rambled on enough, but I guess in the end all I'm saying is stay true to your course.

By the way, if you ever need someone to talk to in person, please don't hesitate to let me know.