Thank you. I like long posts in reply because it means you are getting detailed, something that takes time and effort. I appreciate both.
But, will it give you the best chance to a) further yourself and b) save your M in the process? Indeed.
Ok, I can see A, but B is less clear. There are SO many books/sites/people that say sitting back while an A is going on in front of you is a certain way to end your marriage. The longer the A goes on, the more likely the WAS is to go permanently. DB says the exact opposite. I have chosen to embrace DB because it makes sense to me, and because I know I have a lot of work to do before I feel comfortable in my M, let alone my W feel comfortable. Also, I am 90% sure an ultimatum at this point would end things for us so DB represents the best, and maybe only option for me.
I have come to accept that validation and detachment are ESSENTIAL in this process.
I totally agree. The problem is that my W does not share any feelings for me to validate. Am I supposed to validate her when she's going out to see him? "Hey honey, I understand why you feel you need to go be with Mr. Right." I don't think so. IF she decides to open up to me, like she did to a very small extent the other night, then I will do my best to listen and validate.
Now put that into perspective. You have to make these changes for you, they must be genuine or your W will not see them as changes but only more of the same manipulation and form of control.
Ah, the rub. My C said the same thing. Actually it was when I told her the story about the women at the bday party thinking I looked good. I somehow forgot everything I know and said it was great because it made my W jealous! C jumped on my immediately (actually made me pull back) almost angrily and said "No, no, no, that's all wrong. You keep making everything about her. You keep identifying your value through her eyes. You need to have liked that because it made you feel good, not because of anything she may or may not have felt!" Damn, she was SO right.
As for my sitch, I am honestly flattered that you believe that I have the best chance of saving it. The truth is, I really don't know that.
I realize that. You have a chance, but you and I realize that your W could do just about anything right now. I only hope things continue to remain positive.
The decision must be of their own free will. If your W came to you today and said that she wanted all of this, etc., would you be convinced that it was over?
No. I would not believe that. I have little belief in my W's ability to be remorseful and fight for my trust and without those things, it will take a long time of observation for me to trust her again. I guess that's a major reason why I am losing hope. Dragon said that her post was about the marriage probably being better than the WAS thinks before the A. In my case, I agree with my W, our marriage has not been close or loving in a long time. Long enough that I cannot truly remember a blissful time when we were both happy. If I am my W, and I feel that way too, what is there to come back to? What reason is there to fight? To answer my own question, I guess a changed dynamic, a changed me would be a start, hence back to DB... I am really in a rut now. My C session usually picks me up for a few days but since we just talked about M the whole time, we didn't do any work on me. Also, C is on vacation next week so I won't see her for about 11 days. That is adding stress. I am a quiet mess now. I am not showing many outward signs but I am slowly sliding and I really don't know why exactly. I will pull out of it I think. Maybe just time...
