My dear friend GH,

A couple of things here. Number one, you will NOT be watching the Super Bowl alone....I'll be watching it as the same time as you and as long as you root for dem Steelers, you and I can remain friendly

Secondly, and please do not take this the wrong way because it is important that your C is seeing it this way, but I almost had a chuckle when you mentioned that your C is basically espousing the views stated here. You can start forwarding those checks to us right now! Better yet, she should be paying YOU! In all seriousness though, I think that is a major thing. Even your C has told you that these are the things you need to do for the best possible chance to save your M. Is it a guarantee...absolutely not, nothing is guaranteed. But, will it give you the best chance to a) further yourself and b) save your M in the process? Indeed. I have come to accept that validation and detachment are ESSENTIAL in this process. It is essential that you do not dismiss your W's feelings, no matter how alien they are to you...simply because she is a person, with real feelings and emotions. The more you invalidate them, no matter how alien, the more you act like your "old" self and push her away. I swear, I honestly wish I knew about these princples over a year ago. I've viewed all the scenarios from that time and had I recognized validation, I would almost guarantee that things would be a lot different. Now recognize something else, and be honest with yourself, how long have you not validated her feelings? I would have to guess that it might have been a long time and, guess what, you've only been at this for less than a month. I thought I read somewhere that as a general rule, it will take approx. 1 month, per each year of marriage to "fix the past" as it were. Maybe I read this in a post, but I swear I saw it in one of the DB books. Now put that into perspective. You have to make these changes for you, they must be genuine or your W will not see them as changes but only more of the same manipulation and form of control. Please, do not abandon these principles, I think they are the true key to saving our M's. Have you read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? If not, I would place that high on the reading list. Also, and I know I've said this before, but the Lundberg book is fantastic companion reading. The views in both of these books is generally the same....validate. Empathize, understand, love and compassion.

As for my sitch, I am honestly flattered that you believe that I have the best chance of saving it. The truth is, I really don't know that. I believe my W has told herself that this R is important and that without it she would be truly unhappy. She does love me very much and couldn't logically see herself moving on. But, that does nothing to erase the feelings she has for OM and, this is my biggest fear, without her resolving those in whatever way that she must, she may never fully "be" here. If she choses to stay here out of whatever it is she is feeling, she will always wonder "but, what if." That is very scary to me, in fact I think about it a lot. I honestly believe she has made the decision out of fear of losing, fear of the unknown, rather than out of true choice. I don't want to go on the path here and find out three months from now that, oh, guess what, I really DO want to find out what the other life is like. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it, because I came "back" in that scenario (made the choice that this is what I wanted and eventually, the heart followed), but I wonder if she can see it that way. Especially since I know that she doesn't give up on feelings very easily...we were talking one night about love and etc., and she was talking about her first love...she was thirteen at the time. Here, as it turns out, he was a very distant relative of hers. Her father absolutely forbid them to see each other. Do you know, she still harbors strong feelings for this guy? This story is very anecdotal because it proves to me that feelings such as she, and the other WAS have at this moment, must run a natural course. They cannot be coerced, chided or guilted into coming back. The decision must be of their own free will. If your W came to you today and said that she wanted all of this, etc., would you be convinced that it was over?

Sorry for the extremely long post, and I don't mean it to be negative in the least. I believe in what we are doing, truly. I think it is the only chance that, if possible, we can save our M's and ensure that they last! Please do not give up hope GH....you and I are on a long, twisted path...eventually it will lead to enlightment, it may just take a few strange twists along the way.

....and GO STEELERS!

"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu