The book is very interesting and I see merit, but I guess this is where I get hung up...I'm validating her feelings (well, trying to most of the time), but where's my validation for my feelings?
Okay, maybe that's more of a devil's advocate question because I already know that the validation of my feelings must come at a later time when things have moved to where they are going to go.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
1. -I have been feeling this way for a long time 2. -Didn't you notice that we were living like roomates? 3. It's too tiring, coming here and having your emotional well-being on my shoulders. It has been that way for a long time. 4. -I don't believe in counseling. It's not how I was raised. You know whats wrong (she didn't mean me, she meant in general), you know what you need to do to fix it. Also, she said she thought going to C was another way for me to coerce her into coming back. 5.-I asked her how HE felt about all this. She said he knows EVERYTHING and was ok with it. 6. -She said she was not ready to give up totally just yet. 7. -She said she was not willing to work on us at all. 8.-You are still doing the guilt thing. You still look like you're going to have a nervous breakdown if I go out for milk. 9 -Sometimes I actually do go out by myself. You don't believe that. Sometimes I need to be away from everyone. 10-I don't know what I am doing.
FIrst one - check! Heard that one. Second - check! Third - something like that. Fourth - right on! Fifth and sisxth - yeah. Seventh - very much so. And so long and so forth. I heard them all from my H as if they rehearsed that one together.
WHat does it tell you, it should tell you that it's a similar pattern, a pattern to change and rewrite reality so that it fits nicely into one's new perception.
Now, my old bad habit of overquoting:
"People don't often leave marriages without first being unfaithful. We usually assume that affairs happen because the marriage is so awful, and that does seem to happen about a fourth of the time. The rest of the time the marriage was serviceable prior to the affair, and became awful after the affair. One partner has the affair, ruins the marriage, and then flees the wreckage.
NYSurvivor - excellent point about detachment. I'll definitely give it a thought, because passive-agressive aloofness has been my sin all throughout. Friendly detachment it what I'm trying to learn now.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
The rest of the time the marriage was serviceable prior to the affair, and became awful after the affair. One partner has the affair, ruins the marriage, and then flees the wreckage.
So where does that leave us? I have liked your "overquoting" to this point, but what does this one mean? She is going to bolt after this because it's too much to try and fix her damage? So, in light of this, is it incumbent upon us LBS to make sure the WAS knows they have a safe place to return should they decide to? Can I take that positive away?
"One partner has the affair, ruins the marriage, and then flees the wreckage".
I just had to laugh when I read this. Not because it's funny, but because finally someone's pegged my ex. I recalled how she wrote in her journal (parts she showed me after the bomb) that things went from bad to worse after her EA "thing" was discovered and dealt with. As if it didn't mean anything to warrant that!
Quote: The rest of the time the marriage was serviceable prior to the affair, and became awful after the affair. One partner has the affair, ruins the marriage, and then flees the wreckage.
Okay, I guess this is my way of looking at it...I think it is basically just setting forth the scenarios where people have affairs and end up leaving--one fourth of them had horrible M's the whole time, even w/o the affair while the others had decent M's prior to the affair, but after the affair they perceive it as horrible or stifling. It doesn't necessarily mean that person is going to bolt, that's an over-generalization IMHO.
I don't believe it is completely applicable to our sitchs
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thank GOD I have a C session today. I am not doing well. In addition to being almost on the verge of panic, I am sick too. The good news, sorta, is that my soon-to-be-patented LBS diet program is wildly successful. Actually, it's TOO successful. I am losing too much weight. I am eating fine now but the pounds still keep falling. I am down to 159 now from 178 a month ago. My high school weight was 155! The stress is eating me alive, literally! Add to all this, our financial situation is really bad right now and it's adding big time to both her and my stress. Not good right now. I have extra money coming in soon, but not soon enough. These times would be tough even without an OM or WAW, but with them, it is downright unbearable! I will get through it, I always do but damn, I'm tired.
GH, this may be off topic, but I really DO wonder if we are living parallel lives...the weight thing is of course common I imagine (I lost 45lbs since this began...although I have to admit I like it a lot!), but the financial thing also adds a great deal to our stress....nothing like worrying about whether OM is still there in the picture, but also lovely to have those talks about the bills getting paid!
There's a Doors song with a lyric that seems so very appropriate here.... "I've been down so damn long, that it looks like up to me"!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Nothing is off topic to me. Actually, I would love to be "off topic" forever! lol. Man, you HAVE to keep reminding yourself that while you still need to DB and all that stuff, you ARE in a brave new place from the rest of us. Live in that place. Be there. I know you can't trust everything that's going on, but at least while it is, enjoy it! I am just down another notch since I checked the bank account and called my W. The convo was fine but I look at it as one more f-ed up thing she can look at in our M. It really sucks right now.
Still positive, I guess that is one thing about me in general, I've always looked at the upside of things in the past, so why should this be different?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
And hey, you shouldn't let go here either. Whatever is happening right now isn't a result of your financial standing, it really is more to do with how she is feeling right not. What's to say that she'd be any better off with OM or even if she had to live on her own? I really don't know enough about your sitch, but I know that what is happening isn't a result of financial situations, my W and I have been so down and out in the past, but we worked together to get where we are. In reality, we aren't all THAT bad off, just not a whole lot of disposable cash to throw around. But we have our house, our vehicles, health, etc. If it were just money, that would be one thing, but this mess we have ourselves in as a whole lot more to do with it..the intangibles....emotional need, etc.
Stay focused on your efforts GH, remain as positive as you can, give her space but be supportive! Your efforts will pay off one way or the other.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
