Detach. The word for the year. I look at Tim, Frank and Vince and wonder what would have happened if they really detached early on in their sitches? I don't know.

Detaching is just one ingredient. It serves to detrigger a person from reacting on emotions in a negative way. What effect would it have had on these men's situations? True, we don't know what effect it would've had, to what degree, though it most likely would've lessened their emotional pain some, and without their usual reactions, their spouses may have responded differently. But it's not as if it's a magic pill that would resolve their situations. There's much more to the dynamics and history, plus the variable of their WAS, in each of their respective situations.

But not detaching, we can say for sure, would keep them reacting the same way, and get the same results, more likely than not.

It seems like many WAS see detachment as more of the same if the LBS was in the habit of being gone or aloof already. Mine will.

This strikes me odd. This is like inferring that you guys were practicing detachment before the bomb... but you really weren't, but quite the reverse, I'd guess. Detachment is not about acting "gone" or "aloof". If detachment is nothing but disengaging from old reactive negative behaviors that result in loss of one's PMA and add fuel to the pain of the WAS, then detachment is a good thing.

If one of the marital problems was that the WAS felt neglected, detachment doesn't fuel that. For example, if being "attached" meant that one would react by being controlling, then eliminating that attachment so as to not respond that way helps the situation, not the other way around.

If the WAS was feeling neglected, there are other answers to that question. In what ways was she feeling neglected? Chances are it was in not meeting her emotional needs. Did she want you to really listen to her, validate her, for example? You can do that while being detached. All that detachment would mean in that circumstance is that you're not going to react negatively to what she says. She'd feel freer then, to speak of her thoughts and feelings without the typical repercussions; she'd be more comfortable, feel safer, understood, loved. Being detached, you'd be freer to afford her that environment of comfort.