Sort of. She came home and immediately started saying how she never ended up meeting with the lawyer. I called her on it. She admitted it finally. She then tried to turn it on my because I told her I knew she was a D lawyer. Predictably she got pissed and said I just won't leave anything alone. At that point I did. She came back in and was more calm. She said she understood how i felt but that I gave her no credit. She said she would NEVER hire a lawyer without talking with me first. She said she was insulted that I would think that of her. (Um, you're the one having the affair...). I said I didn't know what to think anymore. I told her I didn't think she'd do any of the things she's doing now. A BIG R talk ensued where we basically got it all out. Her highlights: -I have been feeling this way for a long time -Didn't you notice that we were living like roomates? -It's too tiring, coming here and having your emotional well-being on my shoulders. It has been that way for a long time. -I don't believe in counseling. It's not how I was raised. You know whats wrong (she didn't mean me, she meant in general), you know what you need to do to fix it. Also, she said she thought going to C was another way for me to coerce her into coming back. -I asked her how HE felt about all this. She said he knows EVERYTHING and was ok with it. -She said she was not ready to give up totally just yet. -She said she was not willing to work on us at all. -You are still doing the guilt thing. You still look like you're going to have a nervous breakdown if I go out for milk. -Sometimes I actually do go out by myself. You don't believe that. Sometimes I need to be away from everyone. -I don't know what I am doing. -(I asked her once again if she loved him) I don't know, but it's not about that. Yes, it is making things worse right now but I felt this way before all this.
My highlights (or lowlights): -I totally understand this is about you, and I cannot control or guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. -I am working on myself, for myself but I wish there was some way you would notice. (Ouch). -What have you done to work on us if things were so bad? -I am not that person you think I am. I am working to be the real person I am. -I just want to ask you to give us a chance. Go to C and see if there is something there (you read her response already) -I only get emotional when I see you because I love you and think you're beautiful, NOT because you're leaving to go see another man. I get that way because I realize now all the years I didn't let you know that. -If I knew all these years what I know now, you might not feel the way you do. -I know this is about you. I know you need to do what's right for you, and so do I. -How would you feel if I saw a lawyer tomorrow and filed for divorce? She answered that she would not like it at all, of course. -So, if there is no way you'll see a C, I guess I just work on me and pray that you just somehow rediscover your feelings for me? (no answer). -If you don't respect C's then do you respect me for going to one. (she said she did if it worked for me, it just wasn't for her).
There was a ton more, but you get the idea. It was NOT emotional or heated. I was calm and did not interrupt her. I listened, but still talked too much mainly because she did not have much to say. Mainly I just wanted to hear how she felt about us. Basically, she thinks there has not been an US for a long time now. I told her that was fair. She also said she could not talk to me in the past because I would get emotional and defensive. I also conceded that immediately with no defense. It ended with her running out for cigs and I just started watching 24. I learned a lot. I learned that this is really almost over to her. I confirmed what you all told me in that I HAVE to detach if there is ANY hope for us. I also learned that she may never get help, and doesn't think she needs any so this may be a more difficult road than I thought. She may well have gotten legal advice. I don't know. Nothing really matters right now other than how I proceed. I have to be strong. I have to fight for ME. I may well be back on the path, who knows. Thank you Rob, Dragon, Tim, and anyone else who kept me sane for the last couple hours. I made it, partly thanks to you. You're lifesavers!
