She just called. Asked for directions from where she is for "someone following her." Damn fine mood too. Must have been told what she wanted to hear. So I am jumping to conclusions. I will try not to act on them. I will wait. I will hear what she has to say, but if she is not willing to talk to me about this, I will assume the worst and act on it. Too many lies at this point. I have to start thinking about protecting myself. I will stay with you all tonight. I WILL post whatever happens. I hope to God it's as you all say, nothing. We'll see. She'll be home in about 20 minutes. I will stay on until then.
My therapist says the same about me. Actually I read and know TOO much for her comfort...lol. I am really numb again. I have not done well in situations like this lately and I am not feeling particularly good right now. Maybe it should just be over. The kids will survive. I will too. She's obviously got her man, the life she wants, the freedom she thinks she needs. I have to let go, and maybe push a bit too. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I am in NO position to have the conversation I think I am about to have.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
Quote: Well, this is the best way to sever all ties at once and she knows it. Then she will be free to go with Mr. Right into the sunset.
Grasshopper: exactly! Now we're talking! Now, listen to this (I know I sound like a radio playing other people's words, but stay with me)
"There's the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promosed land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But insteadm whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likely to find now is the ordinarities of real life. Nothing could be good enough to make up for what this has cost. The reward is in the going, not in the getting there. The more pople enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business-as-usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all. People risk everything on the hope that they can achieve joy by changing everything in their lives except themselves. They would like to press a button and have the old life go away and the new life appear. The human animal has an unfortunate tendency to identify the source of unhappiness as coming from outside itself"
Bottomline: whatever you do, don't try to share this information with your W. But do keep in mind that you are the one with the brain right now, and now it has a clearer picture of what most likely lies ahead. She doesn't know it, but you do. Hopefully, it will give you more perspective and more certainty that there will be a time when you get to decide whether to return or not. You see more, you know more, you can think clearly and process all this information; you have a big advantage, just keep it secret
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Ok man, I'm gonna stay with you the best I can to help talk you off this ledge (sorry, bad metaphor). Right now, you are speculating....do things look bad...maybe, maybe not. If its a bomb drop, then you must be able to pick up the pieces from there man. Remember, she is insane. end of story. They all are. As far as custody issues, etc., do NOT panic. Trust me on this one, I have a bar card too.....
Another point to ponder, how many people have we read about in the books and otherwise who have dropped the D bomb and recovered? Maybe she needs to eat a little sh*t before she can truly see what she is doing. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before things can turn around. Keep these things in mind!
Now, obviously you aren't going to be able to contain yourself when she walks through the door, but please do your best. I think it is fair (others will probably damn me) to ask her about it. Take it from there. If it is a bomb drop...do not go off the deep end...remember your actions today will have great impact on tomorrow. If it isn't then breathe a sigh of relief, go wash your face with cold water and re-assess.
Keep with us!!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
No truer words have been spoken Firedragon. I like the insight a great deal, it makes perfect sense. We all just hope that the WAS can realize that BEFORE making the leap.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH My thoughts are with you, man. I will be checking in with your sitch regularly throughout the night (yeah, I don't sleep so well nowadays). I'm really hoping it will only be positive things I see....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH My thoughts are with you, man. I will be checking in with your sitch regularly throughout the night (yeah, I don't sleep so well nowadays). I'm really hoping it will only be positive things I see....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sort of. She came home and immediately started saying how she never ended up meeting with the lawyer. I called her on it. She admitted it finally. She then tried to turn it on my because I told her I knew she was a D lawyer. Predictably she got pissed and said I just won't leave anything alone. At that point I did. She came back in and was more calm. She said she understood how i felt but that I gave her no credit. She said she would NEVER hire a lawyer without talking with me first. She said she was insulted that I would think that of her. (Um, you're the one having the affair...). I said I didn't know what to think anymore. I told her I didn't think she'd do any of the things she's doing now. A BIG R talk ensued where we basically got it all out. Her highlights: -I have been feeling this way for a long time -Didn't you notice that we were living like roomates? -It's too tiring, coming here and having your emotional well-being on my shoulders. It has been that way for a long time. -I don't believe in counseling. It's not how I was raised. You know whats wrong (she didn't mean me, she meant in general), you know what you need to do to fix it. Also, she said she thought going to C was another way for me to coerce her into coming back. -I asked her how HE felt about all this. She said he knows EVERYTHING and was ok with it. -She said she was not ready to give up totally just yet. -She said she was not willing to work on us at all. -You are still doing the guilt thing. You still look like you're going to have a nervous breakdown if I go out for milk. -Sometimes I actually do go out by myself. You don't believe that. Sometimes I need to be away from everyone. -I don't know what I am doing. -(I asked her once again if she loved him) I don't know, but it's not about that. Yes, it is making things worse right now but I felt this way before all this.
My highlights (or lowlights): -I totally understand this is about you, and I cannot control or guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. -I am working on myself, for myself but I wish there was some way you would notice. (Ouch). -What have you done to work on us if things were so bad? -I am not that person you think I am. I am working to be the real person I am. -I just want to ask you to give us a chance. Go to C and see if there is something there (you read her response already) -I only get emotional when I see you because I love you and think you're beautiful, NOT because you're leaving to go see another man. I get that way because I realize now all the years I didn't let you know that. -If I knew all these years what I know now, you might not feel the way you do. -I know this is about you. I know you need to do what's right for you, and so do I. -How would you feel if I saw a lawyer tomorrow and filed for divorce? She answered that she would not like it at all, of course. -So, if there is no way you'll see a C, I guess I just work on me and pray that you just somehow rediscover your feelings for me? (no answer). -If you don't respect C's then do you respect me for going to one. (she said she did if it worked for me, it just wasn't for her).
There was a ton more, but you get the idea. It was NOT emotional or heated. I was calm and did not interrupt her. I listened, but still talked too much mainly because she did not have much to say. Mainly I just wanted to hear how she felt about us. Basically, she thinks there has not been an US for a long time now. I told her that was fair. She also said she could not talk to me in the past because I would get emotional and defensive. I also conceded that immediately with no defense. It ended with her running out for cigs and I just started watching 24. I learned a lot. I learned that this is really almost over to her. I confirmed what you all told me in that I HAVE to detach if there is ANY hope for us. I also learned that she may never get help, and doesn't think she needs any so this may be a more difficult road than I thought. She may well have gotten legal advice. I don't know. Nothing really matters right now other than how I proceed. I have to be strong. I have to fight for ME. I may well be back on the path, who knows. Thank you Rob, Dragon, Tim, and anyone else who kept me sane for the last couple hours. I made it, partly thanks to you. You're lifesavers!
Okay, overall neither a win or a loss. Yes, based upon some of the things mentioned, it is a tough road ahead, a long journey, but you have the tools to undertake it. Go back to basics and remember what you have learned. She is feeling a whirlwind of emotions, she's stuck and feels trapped. This is normal, but on a positive note, she HAS noticed changes in you. That's important and its equally important that you continue with those changes. You've only been going through this transformation for less than a month, she is not totally convinced they are real...that is normal. She sees everything as a ploy by you to get her back. That is why you have to make these changes for YOU and keep them going. Eventually she will come to recognize them for what they are.
Basically, everything is status quo and, at this point, that's a hell of a lot better than worse. It sucks to hear it, I know its like a knife when your W basically tells you that all your hard work just isn't working, but in reality, it is. She has noticed it, it will take time here. Be a better person for yourself, pick up detaching where you left off and ride this latest wave.
Here's hoping that you're getting some rest, sleep on it and we'll see how things go tomorrow.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
