Well, it gets better. W said this person was not a D lawyer...what a surprise, a quick online search shows that family law, divorce, custody, etc are her specialties.
I think it may be time for a change in tactics.
I AM SURE something is going to happen tonight. What do I do?????
This is not the final act by far! You are going to be just fine! You are trying to guess what is going to happen, and it is driving you crazy. If she talks to a lawyer, it is not the end. She is looking for answers to. The fact is you can't control her actions anymore, and you feel out of control because you can't control the situation. I have been there it is hard. I thought the end was there when my W went to a lawyer, but it actually brought her into reality how brutal the whole process is and there are other choices rather than the big D! GH you are strong! Don't react out of emmotion. I have done it many times and it does not help! You can make it through this! Don't even address when she comes home tonite! It will just pressure her and let her think you are trying to control her again! Take a deep breath! You will be OK!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
First of all, calm down. Second of all, calm down more. Thirdly, drink a glass of water and think about what you have to lose, exactly. Right now it seems that you might lose a W who no longer wants you M and has an OM, if I see it correctly. If your W decided to end it, not only you can't do anything, but honestly, would you want to? She has to lose a faithful wonderful spouse not to mention M and kids, but she can't see it clearly right now. In fact, according to the same author, she can't see clearly at all.
Another piece of advice: QUote. " In my practice, it may be that the disasters are only inevitable when people use romance to jump from marriage to marriage without a rest stop in between. There is something inherently doomed in those marriages that began as marriage-wrecking affairs. While over half the people who get into romantic affairs end up divorced, only a fourth marry the affairee. Even then, three-fourths of those romantic marriages end up in divorce. There is a greater likelihood that the divorcing partner will be back with the original spouse in 5 years than the romantic affair will be a stable marriage at that time."
The advice is, don't make drastic desicions and try to extend the whole process if possible, but subtly. Give them time, but try your best to not give them opportunity to struggle against obstacles: romance thrives on it. No obstacles, no excitement. Act cool, and say that although you strongly disagree, but if that's what your W wants to do with her life, let her go and be happy.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Take it easy for the time being. Do not assume anything at this point because you will drive yourself completely insane. Remember, it is not OVER until it is over. Firedragon has some really sound advice in her post. Read through it again.
I'm really putting out all my positive vibes for you right now man because you need to harness those and focus. Wait until the facts are presented before you jump to conclusions and then react based upon the FACTS.
Breathe, talk to us....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Firedragon, thank you again for those excellent words of wisdom.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Ok, so I breathe. Now what. Like I said, she seems like she's going to talk to me after talking to the lawyer. Sure, she could say anything, OR she could say she's filing tomorrow. So I just say "Ok honey, I don't agree, but if that's what you want, then go for it. Have a nice life"? There are stronger men than I. I don't think that's what would come out of my mouth. She said "this is her person to talk to, like I have someone to talk to." I go to a C to try to help myself and the marriage and she goes to a D lawyer? Ok fine, I can't control her. She's irrational. She's insane. Whatever. The bottom line is, because of a lot of complicating factors not the least of which is her parents, there will be SO much havoc and damage done by a D, there will be no turning back. She knows this. It's what she wants. She as much as said that in the bomb drop convo. She's sick of pleasing everyone else. She's out for her now. Well, this is the best way to sever all ties at once and she knows it. Then she will be free to go with Mr. Right into the sunset. The worst part is I have NO idea what her intentions are for custody. She claimed she would never want the boys to be without me but who knows what the OM and lawyer tell her. Ok, so like you said, I am speculating. Well, she is telling lies and ones that if I don't see through them, could end up costing me (not financially) if I get blind-sided with papers. Thank you all for your advice, especially you Dragon, you're a welcome new voice.
Well, you are more than welcome Easier said than done, I know. It's not that easy for me either; especially since my H seemed to be "giving me a chance" which I apparently blew since in a month he left for the OW. So I do struggle a lot and I know just how hard it is.
It's not that I'm imposing, although I most certainly do, but you hereby invited to my tread uh.. sitch.
And I have many other books, let me think of some I could recommend tailored to your needs. My therapist says that I'm one of her strongest and most resourceful patients. In fact I made the desicion: if anything, I must find a way to turn that situation to my advantage in at least some way, to become stronger, better as a person and reap whatever rewards possible. Such as becoming a happy person. Happiness is the best revenge, don't you think?
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
