The more you divulge your sitch, the more I'm convinced we married the same woman! I am completely the same way at home, always have been in terms of service, maybe not in terms of words of affirmation, but always the one to go out of my way for drinks, service, etc. On the other hand, I often wonder whether my she has even cared to speak my language, but that's something for another day.
OK so we all married the same woman! On top of that we all did the same things! What does that tell us? HeII if I know??? No really it should tell us that there is a definite pattern here and we need to change our behaviors. The only thing we can change is our behaviors and actions. I always have been a service orientated person. I like to make sure everyone has what they need, but I forget sometimes what Tim needs. I will not change that part of my personality about watching out for what other people need, except that I will be more sensitive to how it impacts myself!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
This is the first post I have printed in awhile. It is so positive and really resonates with me. I will re-read this many times today. Thank you so much.
I am searching for reasons to go on, and while they need to be mostly from within, this kind of encouragement is really what the Dr. ordered.
Happy to provide encouragement to someone who has provided me with so much of the same. Now get out there and enjoy that Florida sunshine!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
On another note, I think I hit on something. I called my W to let her know I paid a bill she asked me to pay. She asked me my schedule for the next couple days. I told her and asked "why". As if I didn't know. She said she was thinking of going out tonight or tomorrow and just wanted to know what my plans were. I said ok, bye and hung up. I was fuming. I can't seem to detach. Then I had a thought. 24 is on tonight. If she goes out tonight, I get the downstairs to myself. I picked the phone back up, called her and asked her if she was just picking which night to go out. She said yes. I said "Ok, then if it's no real concern, could you go tonight? I have 24 on and would love to have the place to myself." I think it took her by surprise. I was ACTUALLY suggesting that she go out? WTF? I guess it was an instant 180 for me. I feel pretty good about being assertive in getting something I want, even if it's playing into her plans with the OM. Now, of course, I realize too late that I have my C session tomorrow and it would have been better to have her go then because I generally cope better after C. Well, I will have to go this one alone... Whatcha think. Did I do ok?
Perfect! A++ On one front, I can only imagine her surprise at that true 180 and secondly, good job on re-focusing on yourself. I think I can hear the chains on the rollercoaster pulling you up the hill.........
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sorry I have not posted lately, things have been quite hectic and I think that it might be for the better, you will have to check my link. I was really concerned for you, but I see that you are doing good now. You made it past the rough part of this section of road and with minimal casualties it looks. I really pray that the one above helps all of us get thru our ordeals and shows us that no matter what happens, it is for the better. Keep up the good work and enjoy the time that you have to yourself. I asked my mom to watch the kids for me yesterday afternoon and I left the house and just went down to a bar that I used to go to when I was single. I had a great time talking to some of my old friends (and when I say old, they were all about 55+) and just talking. It took my mind off of everything and that is the first time in over a week that it has happened. It felt so good!!!! Hopefully you have the same luck!!!
As I mentioned in a reply one of PArob's posts last week, isn't it ironic how before the A, we would have never batted an eyelash if we got those few hours of the house to ourselves, but now it's like we have to justify enjoying it in order to demonstrate to our WAW that we're cool, we're not worried, we're not jones'in for affection.
It took me a long, long time before I could start to appreciate those moments to myself and actually enjoy doing the private things I used to enjoy before the affair.
Granted, if it's too long, like "she said she would be home 2 hours ago", I start to get flustered. Not even if I have anything to worry about (in my case the OM is 3,000 miles away, it's not like she can sneak away for a few hours when she takes the kids to the mall on Sun. afternoon), but I still get flustered anyway, because I want her presence near again.
But it's much, much better than it used to be.
Crow Jane, Crow Jane, come 'on, I wanna know,
how you love some man, but don't love me no mo'
My story is in the link below, but basically, I'm quite new here, although in terms of dealing with a WAS I feel like a seasoned veteran already. To be short, during going to school full time I suddenly found that my perfectly romantic and ideally compatible marriage of 8 years (at least from everyone else's point of view) led my H to awaken one day, realize that he developed feeling for an OW which meant that it's over for us; and so he dropped everything including his job and left for her.
Well, I'l tell you what. If I, a weak devastated woman could survive this and become stronger, then there's no doubt that you guys will prevail too.
In terms of book advice, I have some excellent resources I'll refer you to right now:
definitely do read "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman, it's about infidelity, its causes and its likely outcomes. Read the chapter about Romantic affairs, where he explains that it's not your fault in any way, that it's a temporary insanity which is really hurtful but will pass. Quote. " The betrayed partner has the difficult job. SPouses of people caught up in the throes of a romance feel that their M is threatened, their dreams shattered, their security gone, but even more awful is the insult. Suddenly their partner in a love that was once this special too has declared them to no longer exist. There can be few greater insults than that. But in addition, their mate has come to life in another relationship, displaying a capacity for happiness and joy that has not been readily apparent up until now. The insult and rejection seem total. It is very difficult to recognize that this craziness and disorientation shouldn't be taken personally. The betrayed partner may not even realize that the infidel is likely to return home. It is difficult to survive such a degrading and depersonalizing situation, yet there are advantages to holding on. Nothing the betrayed spouse can do will affect the romance, but the romance is time limited and will most likely fall apart. DOn't try to out-romance a romantic. Don't bother to arous jealousy. DOn't try to get your partner's attention, increase your partner's guilt, or threaten some sort of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time"
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Thank you ever so much for those words of hope! I know they mean a lot to me and I am certain the others in this post will find them just as positive. That book is definitely on my "to read" list.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well all, I am facing another crisis of sorts. I was cleaning the kitchen as my W was leaving for the night. Sitting on the counter, plain as day, was a business card for a lawyer. Of course, I got stupid all of a sudden, took the card and went to my W who was just getting in her car. I asked her what it was. Of course she said it was a business card. I said yes, for a lawyer. She said it was just a friend of hers. I asked it she was a divorce lawyer. She said no and left. Then she called a few minutes later and asked why I was freaked out by the card. I just said I was sorry, it's just how my mind works these days. I told her I thought it was left out on purpose to send a message. She said no, that she needed someone to talk to, like I have. WTF! I said, I have nobody to talk to. She said I did, my therapist. WTF! She changed the subject to talk about the kids. After she hung up, I called back and asked her is she was willing to talk to someone other than a lawyer. She said yes, but blew it off. She said she was meeting this person tonight. She said she would talk to me later. I have no idea what this is. Could she be "just a friend"? I suppose, but when she said she "needed someone to talk to" and this person was it, I think she basically told me what's up. I don't know what to do here. She said she'd talk to me later. It's bound to come up when she comes home. How do I handle it? I am so shaken right now. This is happening so fast, or not. I know I'm not supposed to assume, but in the context of this conversation we may have later, I'm left no choice. Damn this! Maybe it's going to be the final act tonight...
