I am SO glad you are here. You WILL get help here. Did you start a thread yet?
For the rest of you, Dukie contacted me through a site I have not been active on since the beginning of this thing and I sent him here.
I hope you find some solace here Dukie. I have for sure, and made some life-long friends along the way too. So, feel free to email me with directions to your thread, or just post a link in my thread, that way maybe some others will look in on you. If it is applicable, do it on this board, if not, find the one that best fits your sitch and post there.
This day was probably the worst yet. Starting with my snooping and ending with a 5 mile run/cry session. The only good news is that chicks dig me. Gee, all except the one I love. Figures. I am really down right now. I went through that party with a sh!t eating smile on my face, mingled with people who I KNOW know about what's going on, and all I managed to do for myself is throw in a couple good one liners that nobody but my W got. How can she do this every day? How can she live a lie like this? All I can say is that my W has strength beyond words because I can't go on like this much longer. Oh, and we're supposed to take a trip to Europe in less than a month? Um...yea. So at one point in the day, my SIL says to me "Hey, I hear you're either getting her a new ring or boobs..." Yea, she's wanted a new ring since, well, since I got her the first one. I always wanted to do that for her but finances just would not allow it. The boob thing was a joke, but the point to all this is that my W actually had the BALLS to talk to her sister, who knows at least part of the story, about something like that as if nothing was wrong. I have this resentment building in me that could be the undoing of all this. I look at this woman, so completely devoid of compassion and love and I just feel cold.
As I came back from running, she was on the back porch, on the phone with a great, big smile on her face...gee, wonder who...
Great freaking birthday party. Can't wait until next weekend when we have to go to SIL's house for another...should be sh!tloads of fun and games.
I don't know a lot aobut counseling someone, but I was always told that even if you have a bad day, try to remember something good from it, no matter how small. Was your son happy today? Did you get a chance to see his face when the cake was lit, presents opened, etc.? Try to use some of these things to get you thru. It sounds like you were making some progress, so try to stop or limit your backslide. I know that I am not one to talk, I was told to limit all physical contact with W unless she initiates it. That lasted a whole hour or so. I needed to give her a hug and in turn it was likeing hugging a rock. So I started to get all depressed, but then remembered what I was suppose to do and basically ignored it. I have included my thread, take a look at it if you have time. Maybe we can help each other get thru this crap and turn out to be better people. Even if we do not get the end result we want, we can at least be happy with who we are.
Ah Dukie, thank you. You've been here only a little while and already you're helping. That is excellent advice. Yes, my son(s) had a GREAT day and despite the sadness inside me and the turmoil in my heart, I did enjoy the day WITH them. It's all the rest of the BS I could have done without. Thank you for that. I will sleep on it.
Guys & girls, I need help. I woke up this morning with all the same feelings as last night. I am spiraling. I may be on a rollercoaster but I see no evidence it's going back up. It took every ounce of strength (or is that fear) I had not to say everything to my W this morning. Several times I made eye contact with her and was sure I was going to do it but stopped. Keeping this inside me is getting too hard. I broke down several times this morning. My nose was running and my W even had the nerve to suggest I go to the doctors if I am getting allergies and my nose is stuffy so much. F-her. So she's taken to being cruel too. Oh well. I want to believe this is the right path but I don't know anymore. I see so many people here that are better individuals but their M is gone. I know there are success stories posted, but of the people I have come to know, only one, Rob, seems to be truly on the road to saving his marriage, and no matter what we all say about being better people in the end, isn't it saving our marriages why we came here in the first place? I feel rotten inside. I don't feel like I deserve to take all this pain on myself. I know I played a part in this but not enough to deserve this. I don't have the guilt I guess I need to sustain the pain. I feel like I need to work on things, and I recognize the pain my W has been in for a long time, but she never communicated that pain to me in a way I understood. She buried it. She kept it in until it was too late and now I am doing the same thing. She's alien I guess because a human being would never be able to sit by and watch someone they claim to love suffer this much. This "act as if" adventure is something she's perfected over the last several years. I am not a good enough actor. I am not confronting her (yet) but she knows I am affected. Which is worse? I need help to continue. I am strong enough to do what I need to do, but I NEED to believe in it to do so. I guess I was right, when the true tests came, I would fold...
Oh dear me GH, I really feel for you right now. Sometimes I think we lead parallel lives. Let me fill you in, then lets see what we can do for each other here.
So Friday night, I got home, feeling pretty good all in all. W is sleeping on the couch since she worked like a million hours all week. I figure its a good time for me to clean up the house a bit, etc. I go upstairs and her purse is laying on the floor of our bedroom, with her wallet out on the floor. I go pick up the wallet and notice a piece of notebook paper sticking out. Mind tells me "STOP", fingers do all the tallking. I open it up and its, of course, a love letter from OM professing his undying love for my W. ARRGGGGHH! I figure, okay, it actually validated some things she told me (he starts out by saying that they haven't had the opportunity to talk in a while, etc), but still I'm reeling. I call upon all my detachment powers, put it neatly back in her waller (after i made a copy of it) and go on like nothing happened. She wakes up and finds her pursue where I had found it. Automatically she accuses me of moving it. I said no, that is where I found it. She asks the girls if they moved it, they say no. So of course I break out with a comment like "why, are you trying to hide something." Anyway, I see things escalating, but I back off. Friday night we get into a semi argument, things end cooly but okay.
Yesterday, I'm having trouble bottling it up, especially because she's acting so aloof and distant to me! I went for a motorcycle ride to clear my head, came back and we took the girls out for bowling. Come home and I'm still keeping it inside. Long story short, I spill the beans. She gets angry at me because I had no right to read the letter WTF?? This is the same person who used to regularly root through my wallet, my computer log, emails and phone! We argue. Finally, I just give up and we go to bed.
So here I am, 11 am on Sunday. How do I feel? Not so bad really. And here is where I give advice (sorry, I wasn't trying to hijack your sitch GH, just thought it would be helpful to related). I'm really upset with myself for reading the letter and for actually letting it get to me. In hindsight, the way I see it, if I would have just stayed the course, he would be the one coming off as needy and pathetic....not me. His letter was sappy like the ones I used to write about three months ago. Desparation? I hope so. In any event GH, I know it is hard considering the messages you saw, but we both have to be the better people here. If we start appearing pathetic, then what have we gained? We have to give them space to make the decisions for themselves. It is so very hard, but please focus on the haves, not the have nots. Find your center. You do not have the power to make things right for her, only yourself and in the process, you hope that she sees that you are the better person. You have the ability to do it. You are an amazing person and, as I read earlier, a DB deity! Please, try to let it go and refocus on whats at stake in the long run.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
and P.S. by the way, thanks for the props in you're ealier post. If you would have seen me last night, you wouldn't think I was on the right path, but only the war path.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH I hope you're okay. I really won't be able to check in much today, but I will be updating tonight. Please take care of yourself and please don't be rash. Remember, those words came from him. Not your W.
I'll be thinking of you today.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH-- It must have been something in the stars last night. I have been asking to see if I save my M because I really want to, but I have come to the hard reality that if W does not want to, then there is no M. Things were pretty rough this morning. I found out that my "friend" was the OM and that she wants to try to start a R with him to see where it goes and just wants me to sit back and wait. I have found that I must look at myself and my kids and see that if I can be happy and make sure that they are happy and have food and clothes then that needs to be my priority. I think that sometimes we get so tied up in our problems, that we don't realize we are neglecting our children and also involving them. If the M was truly meant to be (I don't know how everyone here feels about religion, so I am going to try and be broad about all the divine intervention stuff), it will work out and this may be what was needed to cement the R. Maybe the initial foundation was not good enough to support a long lasting M, so you may have to rebuild it and do it better this time. I have come to that realization in my M. I can honestly tell you that I don't think it will work for my W and the OM, and I have told myself now that I will accept a D if necessary and then if she wants to come back to me, guess what, she has to earn me back and I get to be the center of attention. If not, I have made myself better and can be a better father to my kids. It took a lot of soul searching for me to realize that, but after you think about it and realize that you have to have 2 people actively involved in a M to have it succeed, you realize that no matter what you do, you can not substitute anything for the second person. One thing that I said to W and maybe should not have, was I questioned her if the OM would be willing to take on our 3 kids. I have found that the hardest part of this is that the OM is able to devote all of his schedule to her if necessary. He gets his cake and is able to eat it too. He gets to see W anytime he wants, gets to devote 100% attention to her, and at the same time, there is no commitment. It makes us hard to compete with that, but you know what. I think that eventually it will sink in when W realizes that it is not in the best interest of the kids and this person would probably not make a good person to have the kids around. How long will it take for the OM to find someone else that he can have his way with? All in all, try to overcome and be happy. It is one of the hardest things to say and even harder to do, but maybe find someone that you can confide in and ask them to lunch. This is what I have done and it helps for me to have someone actually there to talk to and understand. If nothing else, it will give you a chance to talk and maybe forget for a little while.
Well, I backslid in a MAJOR way. The explosion happened but it was sorta controlled. We were going into a restaurant for lunch with the kids. As soon as we get near the door, her phone rings. It was HIM and she told me to go ahead. WTF! This is the first for this. So I went in and got in line. She was still out there a few minutes later and I lost it. I went out with S3 in my arms and asked her to come in. Nothing. Waited, let people go past us because we were paying with a credit card she had. I was fuming. I went back out, walked closer to her and told her she could call him back and probably should try to talk those calls some other time. She started to walk closer, then hung up after I was back inside. Then:
M: You need to tell him you'll call him back. W: It's not that easy sometimes. M: Really, you seem perfectly willing to put our entire family on hold for him. W: Thats' not true. M: Really? W: I told you how it is. M: Yea, I'll get over it. I AM getting over it. It seems like you made your decision and I'll make mine. W: I told you what was going on and you need to decide what you need to do. M: Oh, I will.
We ordered our food (bbq, order at the counter, they bring it to the table) and a little more happened at the table.
M: I'm sorry, I was out of line. W: It's just how you do this. M: Yea, well I have my limits. W: [said something about the kids not being involved] M: Well, they will be sooner or later. W: Thats' not true. M: Anyway, I was out of line. I will get over it.
So we eat, and the whole time she's getting impatient. She says she needs to get home (we left her car at the shopping center) and wishes she had her car so she could get going. Some [censored] about lots of laundry to do. So we rush out, get her back to her car. I followed her to her car.
M: Do you realize the stress I am under. W: Yes. Like I said 90% of why I am the way I am is because of how it affects you. M: So you told me how it is, right? What did that mean? How IS it? W: I don't know. M: So you love him? W: I don't know. How COULD I know. I only just met him. (remember the "I love you sweetie" on her phone). M: Ok, he loves you then? W: I don't know I said. M: But you're willing to risk everything for just having some fun? W: I'm not just having fun, dating a bunch of people you know. M: I know, only one person. M: So do you see any way you would come back? W: What do you mean come back? M: To us. W: What do you mean US? You keep lumping the kids into this. It's not about them and that's your way to stick it to me. M: Ok, fine, then me, come back to me? W: I haven't disregarded it, no. M: So what do I need to do. W: I don't know. I don't know.... M: No, not to get you to come back, I mean what do I need to do in the meantime. How do I act? How would YOU act? Would you already be gone? W: I don't know. M: How did you act when Don (her ex BF from a long time ago. Think they were engaged) did this to you? He did it 3 times, didn't he? So that means he did it and you went through what I'm going through. W: I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how I felt. M: Ok. It just hurts to have the one person in the world that's been there for you for the better part of 10 years not even give you a hug. W: Welcome to 7 years of marriage. (gets into her car). M: I know. Don't you think I know. W: All this time, you've done things your way, on your schedule without a thought. I'm not doing that anymore. M: Don't you know I know that now? W: I guess....
She left, and the saga continues. As we were about 1/2 way home, I realized she had the kid's shoes in her car I was taking them in my care to the state park. I call her to tell her I need their shoes and would wait at home. It sounded like she was outside so I asked her if she was home already and she said no, she was going into Target. WTF! This was the same woman in such a hurry to get home. So I said I would come back and get them. Ok she says. Then she calls back and says she's in another store and her car's parked there. She says she's shopping in there. Ok, I tell her I will stop by and will she be waiting. She gets pissed. Oh yea she said, I have my keys. Then she's getting frustrated. "Just take them in their sandals". blah blah blah. I agreed to do that. Long story short, it's obvious she was meeting him. Gee, so not only taking the call, but has to rush to see him instead of us. Screw her. I will do my best today but so far my best is not enough. I am losing my mind here. She's going out tonight, she saw him just now. Screw this. I will try, but without some serious help, I will fail. I know I am being needy, desperate and unattractive. Well, that's how I feel, may as well let it show. I'm getting off the path guys, and I don't want to. I am going to hang on as much as I can here. Any advice is begged for at this point.
