Guys & girls, I need help. I woke up this morning with all the same feelings as last night. I am spiraling. I may be on a rollercoaster but I see no evidence it's going back up. It took every ounce of strength (or is that fear) I had not to say everything to my W this morning. Several times I made eye contact with her and was sure I was going to do it but stopped. Keeping this inside me is getting too hard. I broke down several times this morning. My nose was running and my W even had the nerve to suggest I go to the doctors if I am getting allergies and my nose is stuffy so much. F-her. So she's taken to being cruel too. Oh well. I want to believe this is the right path but I don't know anymore. I see so many people here that are better individuals but their M is gone. I know there are success stories posted, but of the people I have come to know, only one, Rob, seems to be truly on the road to saving his marriage, and no matter what we all say about being better people in the end, isn't it saving our marriages why we came here in the first place? I feel rotten inside. I don't feel like I deserve to take all this pain on myself. I know I played a part in this but not enough to deserve this. I don't have the guilt I guess I need to sustain the pain. I feel like I need to work on things, and I recognize the pain my W has been in for a long time, but she never communicated that pain to me in a way I understood. She buried it. She kept it in until it was too late and now I am doing the same thing. She's alien I guess because a human being would never be able to sit by and watch someone they claim to love suffer this much. This "act as if" adventure is something she's perfected over the last several years. I am not a good enough actor. I am not confronting her (yet) but she knows I am affected. Which is worse? I need help to continue. I am strong enough to do what I need to do, but I NEED to believe in it to do so. I guess I was right, when the true tests came, I would fold...
