Ok, if you read my last few posts about this phone call I had with my W about my S5's soccer...
THIS IS WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO!!! If I had reacted to my assumptions about where she was, who she might be with, or why she was pissy with me, I would have had a HUGE fight and things would be 4 steps back. I did not react. Sure. I thought those things, but I did not give them a voice. I do not post this to make me look good. I actually don't feel good, but I just talked to my W, who is hurried, yes, but otherwise in a fine mood, even joking with me about which team my son will be on, etc. What I am saying is that in the past, I would have at least gotten pissy back at her, if not outright angry. That would have been based on a pure reaction to her. I proved to myself just now that I am far from detached, but at least I have some control to resist the urge to attach now. Again, reacting to assumptions or W's mood=bad. Venting here/counting to ten, breathing=good. I get maybe a C for this test...
I am going to interject here a bit...breathe in peace and breathe anxiety...come on GH...do this with me.
Okay, now that we have the breathing under control. Step back and let's think this through a bit. You are obviously frustrated, I can hear you screaming all the way in Dallas. One of the things you learn from reading the Good Feeling book and a few other of the books is that quite often, we project other peoples feelings onto ourselves. We even go so far as to work ourselves up into a tizzy when we don't know the whole situation.
I have my own business...worked out of my home for 9yrs before opening my store. Things have slowed down for me since hiring one of my dearest friends. But my daughter spent 3hours with me last week...on her way home she said, Mom is this a typical day for you? Yes, babe why? Because I am so sorry that you have to go through this, I'm exhausted, don't wanna go to Church tonight...you wore me out...LOL.
Your first suspicion is that she's been with om all morning and now has to get the stuff ready for the party. You don't know what she has been doing. Let me tell you, you are not alone in knowing all the behind the scenes stuff that is done...just like we don't know how your days go. I know many men think that their stay-at-home wives do nothing all day but eat bon bons and watch All My Children...I'd say in most cases that's not true at all. Have you ever stopped and shared each other's days with one another, in a healthy way? You have no idea what she was really doing and even if she told you, you would have to decide if you were going to take her at her word or not. Okay.
When did she know about the sign up. How long has she known? I am confused about the time difference, it went from 4 to 2? She probably does have alot of stuff to do to get the party together tomorrow. Okay? I'm not trying to defend her here, Im just trying to show you that there are two sides here and you have no idea what she is thinking.
She sounds to me like she's about to break...is this normal hurried behaviour for her. She sounds extremely stressed out babe...trust me I am a woman here. I know, my life is full of stress...just in the last 6mos have I started to restructure my life and slow things down. It sounds to me like she feels that she is responsible for everything having to do with the family.
Do me a favor GH, on your way home tonight...stop off and pick up Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There is a section on there that just described this exact situation. That's why I am just saying slow down, breathe....
I am a bit concerned in your last post about previous expression of anger...can we talk about this about...examples...
I think you replied to my post before I posted a few more...make sense?
I am a bit concerned in your last post about previous expression of anger...can we talk about this about...examples...
My anger was always expressed in a mood, not really in angry words or actions. When I say I would usually get angry, I would get short with her, frustrated, whiney, etc. Rarely would I express my anger in a normal way, i.e. telling her I was angry, raising my voice, etc. I have NEVER gotten violent, with her or anyone else. It's not my nature. Too bad because like everyone else, I would LOVE to have a TALK with the OM...
Your first suspicion is that she's been with om all morning and now has to get the stuff ready for the party. You don't know what she has been doing. Let me tell you, you are not alone in knowing all the behind the scenes stuff that is done...just like we don't know how your days go.
Ok, she USED to call me all times of the day and tell me what she was doing. She still tells me that most of her days are spent dropping the kids off, spending time at the gym, shopping for groceries, picking the kids up. Fine. This used to take about 2-3 hours total. She used to be home almost every day for at least 3-4 hours doing whatever, and no bon-bons were ever involved. If she did housework, I always made sure to appreciate it, but sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. She would complain because now that S3 is in pre-school, and S5 is in kindergarten, she has nothing to do. Even when she TRIED to find things to do, she would complain of not being able to. She wanted to get a job (always planned on it when S3 went to school) to fill in the time, get back socialized and make some extra money. Even before S3 was in school full time she would complain about having too much free time and describe her days in detail. She's never had a problem talking to me about her day in detail which is why I have a pretty good handle on it. Now, in the past few months (since the affair started) it seems like she never has time to do anything anymore. She could have one thing to take care of, i.e. dropping some paperwork off somewhere, and somehow not be able to find the time to do it. This happens daily now. These are not things she is doing for me, or that I ask her to do, they are things SHE wants to get done and yet in 8 hours, give or take, she can't ever seem to get them done. Even this party for example. She told me every day this week she needed to do this and that to get ready for it. In the course of our "how was your day" conversation she told me every day that she didn't get such and such done. I didn't ask why. I used to think I didn't care but I guess I do. Look, I am really uninterested in getting the rundown on her days anymore than she seems happy to share it with me. I know she's in an affair and that outside of a couple nights here and there, she sees him during the day. I know they meet at the gym but go who knows where else. It doesn't take much conjecture on my part to put two and two together and come up with their time together as what's been filling her days so much that she has no time for anything else. Now, I am past that. I know so long as I am DBing and willing to accept that this A needs to either run it's course, I can't dwell on this stuff, so I don't. I had a moment of weakness and I think I am going to be ok.
THIS IS WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO!!! If I had reacted to my assumptions about where she was, who she might be with, or why she was pissy with me, I would have had a HUGE fight and things would be 4 steps back. GH
Amen my brother! You are so money and you don't even know it. Yes, you are exactly right. I find myself doing the same things...getting worked up, in a tizzy, ready to accuse and so forth, but lately (not always, i'm not an expert) I've found myself talking myself out of it instead of into it. Even when I do start a backslide, I can now see it starting and usually back the brakes on it REAL quick.
A C? Try at the least an A- in my book.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Tis ok. I take forever to post sometimes too and when I see it in the thread, it makes no sense. Now don't YOU jump to conclusions. I may be fine, I may not. I know I am fine today and that's good enough for me. I really appreciate your participation on my threads. I had a really important revalation becasue of one of your questions (really, it had nothing to do with what you asked but I was thinking about something you said and had one of theose eureka! moments). Sorry to do the 11 o'clock news teaser on you but that update will take awhile and I have a ton of things to get done before the kids go to bed. Look for an update tonight.
Sorry to do the 11 o'clock news teaser on you but that update will take awhile and I have a ton of things to get done before the kids go to bed. Look for an update tonight.
Well hopefully you'll have stopped teasing me before I have to go to sleep...gotta wake up at 4am to catch a plane outta this Godforsake town...not sure when I'll be back online...but maybe Hope can keep me posted...or if you don't see me here, just email me at the address below.
Ok, really it isn't that big a deal, really. Sorry for all the build up. So, I was driving home, thinking about the question Lisa asked me about my anger. I was just making sure that what I wrote was true, that I really did not express my anger any other way. As I was thinking about this, all of a sudden I realized something. I realized that every woman I have ever been with was in need when I met them, and badly in need. My girlfriend out of HS had an abusive older sister that disrupted her enitre family. She was suffering that when I met her. I helped her get away from that, not literally but our relationship got her out of the house a lot and helped take her mind off everything. When we went off to college together, we lived together for about a year before she decided she needed to see what else was out there for her. My next girlfriend was a total nut. I mean that. She totally pursued me but at the core, she needed me. She did not have a place to live (just left home) and crashed with me. We were together mainly by default. In the end, she got a life and disappeared...on that one...thank God! It is a long story but one I'd just as soon forget. Next GF was mainly normal but she was really prone to drama. There was always something in her life she needed rescuing from. I was great at that. See a pattern here? Then came my W (well there were a couple not too serious stints with women in between but). She was getting over the death of her brother who she was closer to than anyone else in her life. She was a wreck. Really, it's only recently (gee, what a surprise) that she claims to be past that, TEN years later. So here we are, she doesn't need me anymore and...poof...leaving. I'm sure NYS or others could have a field day with this. Basically I have met every woman I have been serious with in a time of crisis or deep need. That scares me. It means that I have never really been in a "normal" relationship that is based on something other then them needing me, or me perceiving them as needing me. I am afraid of what this means about me. I am only happy when someone needs me, and they're only happy with me when they think they need me? This is probably something for my shrink... So, Lisa, told you it wasn't that big a deal. Sorry for all the drama. BTW, I don't feel like the past, say 6-7 years have been all based on need in my marriage. Maybe that's where I failed, finally NOT being there for a woman who truly did need me...
Oh little Grasshopper, don't be so hard on yourself. Sure a R can start that way, but from what you've described with your W it seems like you couldn't have sustained your R so long if there wasn't more to it than being needed.
I'm no shrink but maybe you are just perceiving that you don't have worth to women unless they "need" you.
That's all for now. I'm anxiously awaiting to see what others have to say about your recent self-discovery.
It means that I have never really been in a "normal" relationship that is based on something other then them needing me, or me perceiving them as needing me Hi there, I don't know what I can offer by way of advice, but I'll tell you this--there must be some draw to this feeling. My H. told me that o.w. needs him. She claims domestic abuse and was separated when they met. So, my question, to take this slowly, is, how do you feel when you first meet a woman like this? What is the draw? Can you explain why you are attracted to women who make you feel this way?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
