Ok. I changed my name as suggested by a few of you to reflect my discovery of the "path". I am going to start this chapter by journaling what I know today.
M:35 W:36 S3 (bday today) S5
Together 10, married 8. W turned into WAW December 30, 2005, admitted to EA of 2 months.
So today I know I am stronger than I ever thought before. I know I can withstand this. I know what my W has done was not done to me, but rather despite me. I know the sun will rise each day and that sometimes I will witness that sunrise through tears in my eyes. I know that my children are the most beautiful creatures on the earth. I know this pain is here for awhile. I know only I can ever make it go away. I know my W is not there for me and that I have to be here for myself. I know a little bit about how to do that now. I know there are people here who will help me focus. I know their pain and story will shed light on my own pain and story in a way to clarify my vision of the personal hell we all find ourselves in...in a good way. I know I can see the world better now than ever before. I know that yesterday the sky was blue and the wind was pure joy, and that today the sky has lost some luster and the wind is still. I know that my life is forever changed and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I know my W may still love me, but more than that, I will learn to love myself. I know I still love my W with all my heart and that is dangerous as I don't yet know how to love without attachment. I know there is another man that does not have any power over ME yet tugs on the heartstrings of someone I once tried so hard to be the puppet master over. I know I have to change. I know I have to grow. I know I am to blame, and I know I am forgiven. I know she is responsible, and I forgive her. I know this is a journey that will be filled with more pain and sadness than I ever knew existed in the world yet at the end, I may be a more complete person, better able to relate and love in the world. In the end, I know I have lived a charmed life up to now. I had a beautiful wife, beautiful home, children, career and everything seemed perfect. I know I was wrong.
LOL...now my new friend you have HUGE shoes to fill...I happen to know the original "Grasshopper." Not Carradine, the boy who played Grasshopper in the series...we grew up together...so my whip is most definitely on stand by here.
Ok, just make sure to leave a mark so out of pure, unadulterated jealousy, my W sees it and jumps back into my arms, once again to be my lover, soulmate and best friend...either that or she files that day...
Good news and bad! Good news is that my W, who is British, just got her permanent residence card today. It has never been a real priority to her (ruled out the her using me for that a long time ago) but it's done now. Of course I congratulated her and told her how happy I was for her since she has put a lot of time into it for various reasons. So, the good news came next, and immediately followed was the bad (not really news...you'll see)..
Phone- Me: Good for you. I bet that makes you happy. H: Yes. It feels good to be able to come and go freely now. M: I bet. H: I told my Mom just now and she said we need to go on vacation now, out of the country. M: Yea, that would be great! H: I will work on that when they get back in the country (her parents travel a lot). I just want to go somewhere. It's been so long. M: I know that's bothered you. H: Yea. We will (here comes the good) have to leave the kids with my parents and go to England for a week (excitement in her voice). M: (and here comes the bad) Wow. I would love that more than anything right now, and you know why. H: (pause) Yea. It would be fun.
Now I know I am making a mountain out of nothing, right? I just wish I didn't have to relate something could be really positive to something that is really negative. Why could I not have just said "Great, that would be really fun!".
So, even while I was writing this the story continued. She called back and asked me to request time off work. Huh? WTF? Anyway, I have a lot of weddings the weekends she wants to go but as luck would have it, the specific dates she is talking about, I have available! So here we sit, OM still in the picture so far as I know (been quiet for about 3 days on that front), marriage still in desperate peril, W not talking about R at all, nor is she giving any indications that her feelings have changed, and SHE's trying to book us travel to another country alone for a week? I know not to read into things but...
Can't be helped. I'm the master of reading of reading into things. Shattered trust will do that. I was so bad that I actually went on continual hunts to find information and read into partial bits of information, read into anything.
"What does she really mean whey she tells me she loves me?"
Crow Jane, Crow Jane, come 'on, I wanna know,
how you love some man, but don't love me no mo'
Who the heii are you? I thought when Prince changed his name it was to a symbol not an insect! I am little slow so I will pick up on your new name soon!
Just take the trip for what it is and don't beat yourself up to much for adding the little comment. She was the one suggesting you guys go away together, and you tested the waters back. The vacation is the perfect chance to really build on something. I had the opportunity but screwed it up. Stay on the detatchemnt and building yourself up, and DO NOT fall back into the old patterns! This is what I did, and I pushed/scared my W way to the point she ran to the OM as soon as we got home! There is alot more to it and she made that choose on her own, but I know I contributed to it. You are making progress Grasshoopppppper so keep going!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Thanks for the feedback. I requested the time and we'll see. The trip is far from certain but if it happens, I am going to look towards it as a real chance to be the new person I want to be. Whether that sinks in to her or not is up to her. I can only do my part. I just have to hope she isn't booking a 3rd ticket...
Quote: I would love to come if that is what you mean by the 3rd ticket???
Actually unbeknownst to Grasshopper...we're all joining him here...hee hee...someone has to play chaperone!!
Without hesitation Grasshopper...go for it...have a lovely time. No expectations...just go and enjoy yourselves. Romantic getaways, hell getaways of any sort are great for the heart and soul...She may be homesick you know and maybe this will be what she needs. I know I go through this...every July I get terribly sick the ENTIRE month. All I want to do is run home to California. I eventually get over it...but I do fall into a slight depression.
