Ok. I changed my name as suggested by a few of you to reflect my discovery of the "path". I am going to start this chapter by journaling what I know today.
M:35 W:36 S3 (bday today) S5
Together 10, married 8. W turned into WAW December 30, 2005, admitted to EA of 2 months.
So today I know I am stronger than I ever thought before. I know I can withstand this. I know what my W has done was not done to me, but rather despite me. I know the sun will rise each day and that sometimes I will witness that sunrise through tears in my eyes. I know that my children are the most beautiful creatures on the earth. I know this pain is here for awhile. I know only I can ever make it go away. I know my W is not there for me and that I have to be here for myself. I know a little bit about how to do that now. I know there are people here who will help me focus. I know their pain and story will shed light on my own pain and story in a way to clarify my vision of the personal hell we all find ourselves in...in a good way. I know I can see the world better now than ever before. I know that yesterday the sky was blue and the wind was pure joy, and that today the sky has lost some luster and the wind is still. I know that my life is forever changed and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I know my W may still love me, but more than that, I will learn to love myself. I know I still love my W with all my heart and that is dangerous as I don't yet know how to love without attachment. I know there is another man that does not have any power over ME yet tugs on the heartstrings of someone I once tried so hard to be the puppet master over. I know I have to change. I know I have to grow. I know I am to blame, and I know I am forgiven. I know she is responsible, and I forgive her. I know this is a journey that will be filled with more pain and sadness than I ever knew existed in the world yet at the end, I may be a more complete person, better able to relate and love in the world. In the end, I know I have lived a charmed life up to now. I had a beautiful wife, beautiful home, children, career and everything seemed perfect. I know I was wrong.
