No, HP, I don't think I can get off the hook that easily here. It's not so much that I'm down on myself, it's more like I'm facing the very real possibility that things have gotten a LOT worse than I thought they were, and I basically let it happen. Yeah, I know, it takes two, but I did have it within my power to act a lot sooner than this, and in fact I had made a vow (and stated it to W) at least a year ago that I would NOT be going back on auto-pilot, yet that's exactly what I've done. With predictable results.
Now, I'm not going to spend any time beating myself up over it, that would be pointless. But this WILL cause me to do a more serious job of introspection than I might have been disposed to previously. Indeed, I was in part playing the observer last night, and trying to figure out what wasn't working and why, and even had some educated guesses, but didn't feel confident enough to act on it. Or maybe I was just enjoying the physical proximity so much I didn't want to disturb it, even if I was the "only one there". Acts of desperation - yuck! The truth is, what I'm hoping for is to get to a point where we can have these times of closeness together, where we would just lie there and enjoy each other on many levels. IOW we could use these times to talk about whatever, just have a nice pillow-talk session if we wanted, or experiment with massage, or whatever, but the point is we'd be focussing on each other. Again, I'm describing the "ideal state", without any clue as to how to begin working towards it. I guess I'm hoping that if I can communicate that "ideal state" properly, she'll want it too, and we can find the path somehow. Again, that sounds like fusion, I think - I really have to get back to reading up on this stuff, and re-learn a lot of what I've forgotten...
