Well, I'm back once again. I've had a quick look around, and I'm not terribly surprised to see many familiar "faces", and I'm sure nobody will be too surprised to see me back again. I'm not in a position at the moment to do much browsing to see where everyone's at, but I'm sure I'll get caught up again before too long. I can't remember when I last posted, but I do recall it was a pretty angry post. I've been "dark" for the last while, which isn't the best way to be, but I've discovered sometimes it's necessary. Either that or throw the whole R in the trash, which I wasn't ready to do yet.
Anyway, just a quick recap - for the past year or so, W has been pretty much completely unresponsive, and blaming it on menopause (she's 52 now, I'm almost 50). We've mostly busied ourselves with other things for the past year or so, although we did make some efforts from time to time. On New Year's day, however, (really the day after) I was out for a couple of hours, and when I came back, she wanted to talk. She'd thought about where things were at, and expressed a sincere desire to work at getting back on track. She had bought Suzanne Somers' book "The Sexy Years" several months before, and finally got around to reading it seriously. It talks about natural HRT (bioidentical hormones), and how to seek out help.
So, progress to date: she made (and kept) an appointment with a local menopause specialist, attached to a compounding pharmacy, and has been given some medications to try (testosterone creme and estrogen creme). She also asked me to read a few chapters in the book, which I did, and found them most enlightening. The pharmacy will fax the recommendations to her doctor, who will hopefully write the necessary prescriptions, and she'll have them in short order. Based on what I read in the book, I discussed with her this morning that she should get a vibrator, and she seemed receptive to that idea. I also have in mind that we will spend some time in the coming weeks discussing her overall attitude towards sex, which I percieve as negative, and see if we can find ways for both of us to get on the same page. I'll be encouraging her to really explore the advice in the book, which seems very good and to-the-point. For my part, I'll remain supportive and as helpful as I can be.
So how am I feeling at the moment? Those who remember me will pardon me for being somewhat optimistic, but guarded. I've been down this road a number of times, and each time has led to disappointment. I'm going to have to work hard not to be cynical at this point. I'm hoping I'll still be able to open up my heart to her and work towards intimacy, but I'm also somewhat fearful that there might be too much baggage. I'm sure we'll both have much to un-learn and re-learn. I'm planning to practice patience and encouragement. Hopefully I'll soon have something to post in the "Success Stories" thread...
Welcome back, Tim! It sounds like things are looking up, to me. The fact that she actually bought that book, and acted on it is great news. Read the whole thing (maybe twice) and show her your interest in it. I don't know anything about that book, but if it has your LDW calling the doctor and buying a vibrator, it's got to be good.
Who knew that lovable, dopey old Chrissy could help save your marriage, eh?
Another thing: I remember you being a big advocate of the Passionate Marriage book at one point, but you don't mention it here. How did that work out, have you given up on it?
No, I haven't given up on PM, but at this point the first thing is to rule out physical issues like hormonal imbalance, since if that's a problem, nothing else is likely to do any good. I'm also planning to work at convincing her that one huge thing will be to get her thinking positively about sex, and thinking sexy thoughts. I plan to try to arrange at least an occasional evening where we rent an erotic video and watch it together, or maybe shop together for erotica - she needs to spend time exploring different ideas to see what tweaks her interest, but I'm not going to rush things too much - just apply gentle suggestive pressure from time to time, and see where things go. If we start to get a fire going, then PM will likely come back into play, since in order to work with that, you need DATA (i.e. some kind of frequency), of which there just isn't any at the moment (it's been MONTHS....)
Welcome back tim. I hope reading that book and taking action on seeing the drs will help. At least she is trying and clearly wants to try. (((((hug))))) Hope it works
One thing about the Suzanne Somers book, it describes the "downward spiral" very clearly, and when I was reading it, I felt I was reading about me and W. See, we've been "having trouble" since sometime before our 3rd child (he's 14.5 now). In fact, he was concieved in part because I finally "put my foot down" and insisted on a once-a-week schedule, at a time when our LM had been rather infrequent and unpredictable. IOW much like it is now, but somewhat more frequent. Anyway, we weren't using birth control because we'd had to use fertility drugs to concieve our first two, so we figured we were pretty safe, but... surprise!
At any rate, SS' book describes how many women have a drop in testosterone level after the second or third pregnancy, and its resulting effect on desire levels. This is also related to stress - which also ties into our sitch, because around the time the 3rd was born, I lost my job, and spent a long time marginally self-employed, and not making much money. No shortage of stress.
All of which leads to the following viscious cycle: she feels stressed, testosterone is also down, doesn't feel like ML, gets moody, etc.... he feels less loved, unconnected, and therefore disconnects more, doesn't do the little things that might mitigate the sitch somewhat, which reinforces her feeling of being less loved, which leads to less desire, less LM, which deflates his feelings of power and desirability, which leads to less loving behavior, more disconnection, etc....
Sound familiar to anyone here? The point the book makes is that various types of hormonal imbalance can wreak havoc with womens' emotions and well-being, and this can happen much earlier than most people think - even as early as the mid-30's. HRT may not always be indicated, but may in fact be needed more often than would be generally thought. The TYPE of HRT is important, though - the book makes the point over and over that what is needed is NOT the synthetic drugs most often prescribed, but special, "bioidentical" hormones that replace the real, natural hormones that are deficient. Not to say there aren't risks with these as well, but current research seems to suggest the risks are much lower than with the synthetics.
I might have to get that book. Sounds like a good one to have. I went through the "change" quite a few years ago and although I actually became more interested in sex in my early 40s, I did have hot flashes and the like. H and I have thermostat wars all the time.
I sure hope what your W is doing will help your marriage. It certainly sounds like she is trying. Keep us updated.
I might have to get that book. Sounds like a good one to have. I went through the "change" quite a few years ago and although I actually became more interested in sex in my early 40s, I did have hot flashes and the like. H and I have thermostat wars all the time.
I sure hope what your W is doing will help your marriage. It certainly sounds like she is trying. Keep us updated.
I’m not sure this applies here, but I’ll throw it in anyway. If you’ll remember, W and I went for something over 28 years with little or no sex. Then two years ago this May, W had a complete hysterectomy which included both ovaries. In fact, recurring ovarian cysts were one of the big reasons for the H. In any case, W was put on HRT while still in surgery. I don’t know what she was/is taking, but she had some problems with the original med and the doctor changed to something else within a month of the H.
Somewhere around the end of July, our SL took off. We went from maybe twice a year to once a week. It was still less than I would have liked, but it was such a drastic improvement over the previous 28½ years that I felt bad complaining. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what caused the sudden jump in activity, but really couldn’t come up with anything. I finally came to the conclusion that W had had undiagnosed hormone problems all of her life and that the HRT made this the first time in her life that she had had any kind of normal hormone balance. She still didn’t appear to enjoy the sex, but at least she was doing it. I was thanking my lucky stars and hoping that as it became a normal and regular part of our R, she might learn to actually enjoy it. But, alas, that wasn’t to be. It lasted about a year. Late last summer it stopped just as quickly as it had started. And again, with no apparent explanation. No change in my behavior (that I’m aware of), no change in meds, no nothing.
Here’s hoping the hormones work better for you/her. And sorry to see you back.
Thanks, 'bube. Sorry to hear you're still having problems, also. I'm starting to think that hormonal imbalances might be far more common than currently thought, although it probably isn't the only factor. In your case, I wonder what else there might be - perhaps during the "active" time, she was looking for some change in you that didn't happen? There must be other issues. In my case, I'm thinking that along with the meds, it will be necessary to work on attitudinal change as well, plus reforming old habits. Hopefully this approach will bear fruit...
Thanks, 'bube. Sorry to hear you're still having problems, also. I'm starting to think that hormonal imbalances might be far more common than currently thought, although it probably isn't the only factor. In your case, I wonder what else there might be - perhaps during the "active" time, she was looking for some change in you that didn't happen? There must be other issues. In my case, I'm thinking that along with the meds, it will be necessary to work on attitudinal change as well, plus reforming old habits. Hopefully this approach will bear fruit...
