Thanks you to everyone who looked in on me these past weeks. I have been a monster lurker - checking in every day (several times a day to be honest - it's like being obsessive about this board helps me avoid any obsessive snooping) on all of your sitches and learning from them, but generally feeling too low to want to face my own sitch.
In a nutshell, the sitch is no better, and probably worse, but I am doing much much better. I am seeing IC, and although I am still skeptical that it will help me, I feel good about at least taking that chance. I am crying less and less - sometimes going days without hysterics. I laugh more at work or with friends, and I am starting to think about a life for me and S2 without H. I still don't want it, and it still curdles my stomach a bit to think about D, but I see that (in theory) I could be happy again someday. Detaching is a challenge for me, but I have small victories here and there. Likewise, I see that H is responding to this - he is more comfortable giving me a hug or touching my shoulder in a gesture of kindness. Honestly, I don't think this reflects any fondness for me as much as it eases his guilt to be gentle with me. That's okay. Maybe that's how it starts.
My biggest struggle lately is in considering whether to stay or leave this area. I try to think what I would do in a vacuum - i.e. not reacting to H or A, and it's just not clear. The major issue is that I KNOW H plans to have OW move here in the early spring - and I don't want to be left to react to that. I just can't know her or have S2 know her. So, part of me thinks I should move home now (500 miles away to be near some family that could help me and where living expenses would be much lower), and part thinks I need to stay so S2 can stay close to H even in a very limited way, and of course, I have a nice part time job here and a home and a few dear friends. Moving is so tempting because I know GAL will be much easier without seeing H when he comes to see S2 each evening. Furthermore, I can't help but wonder how H is ever going to miss me when I see him almost every weeknight when he comes to see S2. It's outrageous - he has me for childcare, daily chats about work etc., weeknight meals, and general comraderie, and OW for love and romance and ego feeding, as well as an excellent singles life going out to dinner,drinks,movies whenever he wants. What a life! Surely, many of you have been here - how to manage this? Perhaps I should just wait until the fall or winter to make this decision?...it's just that there are a few good jobs available right now up north and I'm afraid to miss out...
I admit that I teared up a bit at dinner last night when I noticed that he has taken off his wedding ring. I tried so hard to make a joke about something else - but OW happened to cal his cell and then e-mail his blackberry that exact moment becuase he didn't pick up phone, and it was just too much. Sometimes I feel so broken down by this that I wonder if I will ever be the joyful person I once was. I suppose it takes faith in the resilience of the human spirit...speaking of - has anybody read "A year of Magical thinking" by Joan Didion? An excellent read - and a very poignant treatment of grief and loss.
Anyway, this board is still so important to my daily sanity - I think I'll try to stop lurking and start participating. E
