I hope things are going a little better for you this week. The advice from BeingMe is very good. You will need to detach from your H, and love yourself a whole lot right now. I have done a TON of self care in the past four months, and it is really beginning to be apparent to everyone. People at work are complimenting me on my appearance, the Home Depot guys are flirting with me when I go shopping for plumbing supplies my therapist, my friends, everyone is noticing how great I look, my glow, etc. Some of it is just outer appearance since I have been exercising and losing weight, but most of it is the inner work that people are sensing. I am here to tell you that you can have a life you love with or without your H. Now don't get me wrong, I miss my H big time, and I love him, and I remain committed. But when (I say when not if - it is an affirmation for me) anyway when he decides that he is ready to work on the M, there will be a time when I will get to discuss my needs and wants and hopes and dreams in the M, and evaluate whether the M with my H is workable for ME. Don't get me wrong, I am confident that it is going to work out for us. But we BOTH need to choose again at some point to have that happen. And you won't be ready to choose him or anything/anybody else unless you are whole. So work on becoming whole once again, in every way.
By the way, BeingMe is correct about the fact that the A won't last. The A is not the issue. No point in focusing on that - don't give it any power in your life or thoughts. I confess I have snooped a little, but I am clear now that it can hurt me a lot and not provide much of value. The only time I found the snooping worthwhile was when I looked at my H's phone bill one time, and discovered he was making approximately 18 contacts per day with the OW. That confirmed for me that the A is an addiction, and helped me to detach further. I never would have believed my H was hooked in to that extent without some documentation - unless he had told me everything about the A himself, which is not likely anytime soon as my H is very ashamed even though I believe the A continues. I suspect your H is ashamed too. My H doesn't want to tell anyone about the A. But frankly, I have decided that is fine. I want to make it as easy as possible for him to come home, without any extra shame than he already has. And since it really isn't about the A anyway, what difference does it make? However, I will not lie. But I have gotten very clever in saying less. I have always been a talker, and I am learning to be a minamilist in this regard. I tell people my H and I are currently separated, that I love my H and am doing everything I can to support the M in continuing, and hope and pray that my H will come home because that is what I want. I say it pretty confidently, and people drop it after that. I have told a few close friends and have asked them not to judge him or me, that I am only looking for them to provide support for the continuation of our M. A friend and one daughter have become judgemental so I have distanced from them for now. Anyway, if you have told your parents, just make sure to heed MamaBear's advice - don't provide too much detail, and continue to maintain your H's respect and dignity in the minds of others. People will react to what you are saying based on what you choose to convey. So decide what kind of reaction you want to generate. I want to generate support for my H, for me, and for the continuation of our M.
I think of you often, and urge you to take care of yourself. The best things I have done for myself are weekly deep tissue massage, IC, and going back to church. Although the pedicures, exercise, weight loss, new clothes, and reading and educating myself have helped too. Oh, and the new sexual device Gotta GAL while I'm "waiting", you know?
So, what are you going to do for yourself today? Meanwhile, I am sending you a very special delivery PL hug.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Erin, I don't know if you're still reading this board or not, but I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Please update us if you're out there.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks you to everyone who looked in on me these past weeks. I have been a monster lurker - checking in every day (several times a day to be honest - it's like being obsessive about this board helps me avoid any obsessive snooping) on all of your sitches and learning from them, but generally feeling too low to want to face my own sitch.
In a nutshell, the sitch is no better, and probably worse, but I am doing much much better. I am seeing IC, and although I am still skeptical that it will help me, I feel good about at least taking that chance. I am crying less and less - sometimes going days without hysterics. I laugh more at work or with friends, and I am starting to think about a life for me and S2 without H. I still don't want it, and it still curdles my stomach a bit to think about D, but I see that (in theory) I could be happy again someday. Detaching is a challenge for me, but I have small victories here and there. Likewise, I see that H is responding to this - he is more comfortable giving me a hug or touching my shoulder in a gesture of kindness. Honestly, I don't think this reflects any fondness for me as much as it eases his guilt to be gentle with me. That's okay. Maybe that's how it starts.
My biggest struggle lately is in considering whether to stay or leave this area. I try to think what I would do in a vacuum - i.e. not reacting to H or A, and it's just not clear. The major issue is that I KNOW H plans to have OW move here in the early spring - and I don't want to be left to react to that. I just can't know her or have S2 know her. So, part of me thinks I should move home now (500 miles away to be near some family that could help me and where living expenses would be much lower), and part thinks I need to stay so S2 can stay close to H even in a very limited way, and of course, I have a nice part time job here and a home and a few dear friends. Moving is so tempting because I know GAL will be much easier without seeing H when he comes to see S2 each evening. Furthermore, I can't help but wonder how H is ever going to miss me when I see him almost every weeknight when he comes to see S2. It's outrageous - he has me for childcare, daily chats about work etc., weeknight meals, and general comraderie, and OW for love and romance and ego feeding, as well as an excellent singles life going out to dinner,drinks,movies whenever he wants. What a life! Surely, many of you have been here - how to manage this? Perhaps I should just wait until the fall or winter to make this decision?...it's just that there are a few good jobs available right now up north and I'm afraid to miss out...
I admit that I teared up a bit at dinner last night when I noticed that he has taken off his wedding ring. I tried so hard to make a joke about something else - but OW happened to cal his cell and then e-mail his blackberry that exact moment becuase he didn't pick up phone, and it was just too much. Sometimes I feel so broken down by this that I wonder if I will ever be the joyful person I once was. I suppose it takes faith in the resilience of the human spirit...speaking of - has anybody read "A year of Magical thinking" by Joan Didion? An excellent read - and a very poignant treatment of grief and loss.
Anyway, this board is still so important to my daily sanity - I think I'll try to stop lurking and start participating. E
Erin, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you're steeling yourself for whatever comes ... I know it isn't easy.
Quote: Sometimes I feel so broken down by this that I wonder if I will ever be the joyful person I once was.
I know that you will. You have so many things going for you. You know that your happiness doesn't lie in your H, and (ultimately) he can't take it from you.
As for whether or not you should move -- that's a tough one. Moving away is the ultimate "going dark". For sure, it makes dealing with day-to-day life easier because you're not around him and not being hurt by him. (BTW, have you discussed the potential custody issue with your H?) You also seem so alone; it doesn't seem to me from your writing that you have many close friends where you are, and you might benefit from having family to help. On the other hand, it eliminates the opportunity to show your H the new you.
His moving in with the OW might be just the break you need. As it is now, he doesn't have to see her on her bad days, he doesn't have time to get annoyed with little things that she does, he doesn't see her full personality, etc. She can mostly just be a fantasy.
Personally, I would guess, then, that you're a year or more away from a likely end to his A (my guesses are worth what you pay for them). I think that, if I were you, I'd be planning on how to spend the next 18 months. At that point, it will probably be clear what direction you need to move in.
Best of luck, and thanks for letting us know how you were doing.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Oh Erin, I am so happy to see your post and to have you back. I have missed you terribly, and thought of you most every day while you were absent. I know you are feeling discouraged and your situation does seem bleak at the moment. RB said:
Quote: Personally, I would guess, then, that you're a year or more away from a likely end to his A (my guesses are worth what you pay for them). I think that, if I were you, I'd be planning on how to spend the next 18 months. At that point, it will probably be clear what direction you need to move in.
and I tend to agree with him based on my current sitch as well, I have been recently guessing that my H's end to the A is at least a year off, maybe 18 months - he's just too deep in the obsession and infatuation and "in love" feeling to see anything else at all right now. I also agree with RB that your H moving in with the OW might move it along to an ending. ESPECIALLY if all the while, you are being a great mom to your son and GAL like crezy. I know it is tempting to leave and just go home. I want to "run away from home" really badly right now too, and start a new life anywhere else but here because I often feel like I will never have a life of my own or a life with H either if I stay here. But this is my home, my life I have created, and I just know I will regret it if I rush to find a way out of the discomfort I am experiencing. I could always leave later when I am not so up and down. But not now. And you, because you have a son together - please hang in there and do everything in your power to stay the course so that your son will have a R with his dad. Picture this - it is a good thing that H will be coming by every evening to see your son and have dinner with you. You will be looking great, calm and beautiful and happy with your new life (I know - it doesn't feel like it yet, but "act as if" and picture this future) and the OW will begin resenting the time he spends with you and son and put the pressure on H and guess who will be more fun to be with? Just stall the D and keep being his friend and ally as much as possible, be cheery, be patient, while even more important, taking care of you.
I am a fine one to talk, I know - I have been very restless lately and have done a few things that I am sure pressured H even though it wasn't my intention when I said what I said. I am still just way too focused on H's behavior and am still too shocked and reactive when I see what he is doing/saying.
I think the IC you are doing is awesome, I am not sure it is helping me either just yet, but hang in there with that too, as I am finding that it may not be one thing, but the combination of things I am doing to grow that is moving me forward. People in my environment are noticing that I am looking and feeling good, so something must be happening even though I can't always see it. The biggest problems I have had recently are around yearnings or subtle expectations put on H. So picture the above future secnario with H beginning to think, "what the hell was I thnking leaving Erin?", but also don't expect anything except that you are building a great future for yourself, and a stronger and better Erin than ever, no matter what your future holds.
I just today bought a new book about living with ambiguity and having it be a GOOD thing - I will let you know how it is
Again, I am SOOO happy to see you back on the board. Try not to do that dissappearing thing again! My fear of abandonment kicks in... I am actually very proud of you. Lurking and integrating can also be very useful. Sometimes we just have to shut up and listen a little too. You are doing great work. I am really really really happy to see you here again
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
my therapist, my friends, everyone is noticing how great I look, my glow, etc. Some of it is just outer appearance since I have been exercising and losing weight, but most of it is the inner work that people are sensing. I am here to tell you that you can have a life you love with or without your H. Now don't get me wrong, I miss my H big time, and I love him, and I remain committed. But when (I say when not if - it is an affirmation for me) anyway when he decides that he is ready to work on the M, there will be a time when I will get to discuss my needs and wants and hopes and dreams in the M, and evaluate whether the M with my H is workable for ME. Don't get me wrong, I am confident that it is going to work out for us. But we BOTH need to choose again at some point to have that happen. And you won't be ready to choose him or anything/anybody else unless you are whole. So work on becoming whole once again, in every way. 
