Haven't posted much lately, as I have been feeling very dark. Nothing I do seems to be making a bit of difference - MC is a disaster, I've got stress fractures in my foot from running too much, H is now planning a trip to Barcelona in June with OW, and he hasn't called to talk with S2 even once since leaving for Colorado on Sunday. I don't seem to be feeling much better, H doesn't seem to be changing at all, and S2 is getting the very short end of the stick. Maybe I need to change my concept of time on this one. I see now how badly I DB'd for the first weeks and months, and I wonder how far that set me back on my goal. The thing is, he seemed to be coming around at the end of February, so I thought R talk was okay...of course, I'll never know what was transpiring with OW at the same time. Truly, I must accept that this is not about me. What if it takes 6 months to see any change? Can I persevere that long? I know - if I'm Dbing time shouldn't matter - it should be a state of personal growth with no boundaries - but (and maybe I have another whole layer of detaching to do) I can't help but think I would greive differently if I were grieving the end of my M for once and for all.
On the other hand, I have moments - few and far between - where I think he'd be too crazy to leave us for good. I'm a good catch! S2 is adorable and bright and rocks our world! However, I know about too many Ms that end even when both spouses are worthwhile and excellent people.
I recognize that a major source of pain for me is in what people will think about my judgement. That is, everyone around us thinks we have the best marriage ever - I don't want anybody to think I chose the wrong mate or the wrong father for my child, to think I didn't try to fix the M, or even that I'm a fool for sticking my him while he abuses my trust and love is such a primary way. Now, almost NOBODY knows our sitch, so all this is concerning the future, but it does add a great deal of pain and fear to my musings on the future. I see that I need to change my view of this, I'm just not sure how but maybe IC will help. Perhaps the key is in limiting thoughts of the future to this week....but then why would I put up with H at all as he is being a complete A$$ this week...if I were living for this week I suppose I would pack up and move home and start over, and that's not very DB, eh?
In the meantime, I'm going to have to tell my parents at least that we are separated. I dread this. They think of him as a son, and will be devestated, and then angry, and then won't leave me alone about the details. I know all this like I know my own hand. I have been engaging in subterfuge for a long time now, and as they want to come see S2 soon, I have to own up. H has nothing say about this. He still thinks that nobody will ever know about the affair, unless I "tattle" on him. What an unfair burden to put on me! I'm going to try to just tell my mom that we are separated, I don't want a D, and I hope she'll pray for us, give me space, and be kind about H because he is her grandsom's father. That should probably hold her for 10 or 12 minutes. Wish me luck.
Oh, and another thing. I've got a whole new subject of obsessive thinking. I'm sure the OW is a bad person, but I just wish I knew a flaw that would end this. For example, the oM is GH's sitch was a giant jerk with a teeny tiny weeny, RB's wife is with a 20 y.o. child, PL's spouse is dating a woman who will never be free to be with him, etc. God, what I would give for a tiny piece of external reassurance! "I'm cute and a good cook" isn't quite enough for me to believe H won't make a terrible decision.
Okay, enough emotional vomit for now. Perhaps I'll log on with something nice to say soon....always darkest before the dawn, right? erin PS it's a new moon tonight - the perfect moon for asking things of the universe. I've got a list.
