Well, I don't know the ending yet in my story. But my H took a six month lease on a place to live, and is pursuing his OW. And I am not even close to giving up hope in my situation. In fact, I even see baby steps on a regular basis. I believe my H's A is doomed, and it is just a matter of time. Furthermore, I am a great partner, sexy and fun, a great catch. I am scared all the time that my H won't have an awakening EVER so therefore will miss the whole thing that is really available through us together. But sometimes (gratefully) I just can't imagine that it won't work out for us. There's just too much that DOES work. Right now, I focus on two things: 1) doing more of what has always worked for us (laughter, loving moments of connection, working on projects together, etc.) and 2) correcting what didn't work in myself (nagging, displays of anger, bossiness, disrespectful language, etc.) While I have been away on this trip, I have also been thinking of the things in our world (environment) that didn't work for him, and am preparing to tackle some of those. For example, I have too much stuff (in the garage, on shelfs, etc.) and he is more of a "don't collect just throw away" kinda guy. I have been confronted about this stuff weighing me down in my life and perhaps squeezing him out also. Where is the space for my H if I dominate the space with my stuff? So this is a project I can take on while I am "waiting" (sorry, just holding the space for his reconnection to our marriage ) that would demonstrate a visible difference to him that I am changing, and would make my life and me better. And when he wakes up and notices me again, he will see some things he likes.
I think you have a lot to be hopeful about right now. It does not surprise me at all that your H is now away from the OW and your home, and is experiencing that life sucks without you. I believe that he WILL figure out that the OW does not meet all of his emotional needs. You also have a huge advantage in your son, as well as a long history together. In a previous post, you mentioned that your H chose the OW, not you. Read the DR book again. Don't believe 100 % of what they say, and at least 50% of what they do. Your H is hurting right now. He wants the pain to be over, and he tried something. He has no idea whether it will work out or not. And I believe, to the bottom of my heart, that if you don't give up, you will see that his R with the OW will not work out. Anything started with no integrity has no foundation. There is nothing to build a future on. When the A finally comes out to the light of day, you are already on the road to recovery. I know this may be hard to see. But he is sharing with you, and sharing his doubts with you on top of it - that is SO GOOD!
Also, according to the DB coach I spoke with (Chuck) it is not anti-DB to let them see our emotions sometimes. You just don't want to beg, plead or whine. Stand straight and tall, make a great life for you and your son, and if he asks how you feel, tell the truth - just don't get out of control about it. Save the desperation for us. Because they can't handle it. You don't want to trigger their guilt and have them feel pressured. But for them to have an inkling that a wonderful person like you will still make yourself available to him emotionally - that's a good thing. It leaves intrigue about what else might also be available if he was ever interested in pursuing more again.
I have been thinking lately that my H is testing me. testing my love. I think he believes he is so unlovable because of what he has done, how could I possibly love him? Kind of like, OK now I did this awful thing, now do you love me? Ok, how about this? What if I do THIS, then will you love me? and they keep testing. Because they don't really believe they are worthy. My H is terrified of our deep connection, he is so much of a independent loner and protects himself with his withdrawal patterns. He is right on the precipice of running and jumping never to be seen again. My job is to do nothing to make him run farther and to let him know IF he wants to come back closer that it is safe, that I won't make him "pay" or make him wrong. Of course, I missed some important stuff about who I was being in our marriage, or I wouldn't be in this situation now. It is a tricky balance to be so wonderful in his presence that he can't really remember most of the time what those negative things were, or why he left. But then that gives me the opportunity to acknowledge them to him, and apologize to him, which is totally diasarming.
Try to remain positive. Create your Solutions Journal and write your goals and baby steps. I am seeing between 2 and 5 baby steps every 2 weeks or so. Frankly, I am an impatient person and wish this could all be resolved right now. I want to know what's going to happen, and I want it all resolved and happy now. Who am I kidding? This is a several year process. I can see that. The only way I will get a result now is if I end it and walk away myself. And that's not the result I want. So patience, patience, patience. Trust the process.
Your H has not a clue. He is desperately confused. That is fine, to be expected. Keep being great, and let him see how great you are. That will keep him wondering. Give him no reasons to leave. At some point he will say to himself, "what the H*** was I thinking, leaving her?" and he wasn't thinking, that's the point. He can't ask you to wait (but he wishes you would!!) because he already has an inkling that his R with the OW will not work out. I promise you, she will not meet his emotional needs without you in his life. You were meeting important emotional needs, and he is already in the process of figuring that out. Stay strong! In the DR book it says: Do not give up, no matter how bad it looks, no matter how dark it gets.
I can see good things happening already. One step at a time, hang in there!
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
) that would demonstrate a visible difference to him that I am changing, and would make my life and me better. And when he wakes up and notices me again, he will see some things he likes.
