First, let me say thanks to PL for so much attention. I want to respond better later, but I have a few things on my mind from last night first.
So, in MC our counselor sort of suggested that H should be gentle with me, and go the extra mile because I am, in effect, left holding the bag. This made H mad and defensive. He wonders why he isn't getting "any" recognition for paying the bills so I can stay home part time with S2 and stay in our home. Despite the fact that I have said thank you a million times, the fact is, he should be complimented that I would expect nothing less of him. I mean, I have a high opinion of him and would never think he would leave us homeless and hungry, even to pursue A. Anyway, its clear that he wants validation for doing the right thing and he *feels* he isn't getting it from me. Another point of seeking validation - he has several times complained about his lifestyle since he moved. He doesn't have much furniture, he doesn't have many friends anymore, he doesn't have many social activities after spending time with S2, he doesn't have much time, and he doesn't have much money. Well, duh? Of course not. This is the path he has chosen. He had choices and chose to put us severe financial crisis and to leave his family and push away all of his friends with his lies. I haven't said this to him, I have remained silent (which is maybe the most surprising thing I could do!) but I see it as an opportunity to validate, only how can I? Honestly, I could use a little script here. I mean, he wants to hear that his life is so unfair and so much more difficult than mine which is a load of sh!t. Is there a better way to walk this line and address some of his recognition needs?
And about the mixed messages - HA! Last night he said something to the effect of "your life is the same since I come to see S2 at night". I said it wasn't as my best friend and partner is gone, I have nobody to hug me, ML to me, tell me everything is going to be okay, and talk about the challenges of the day. Yes, I was in tears. It was awful. Not very DB at all. He responds by saying (!) "and the worst thing is I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. You may be right and then I'll have nothing. But I can't ask you to wait for me." He's right - I can't wait around (...except I sort of am as long as my heart is open to him...)- but do you think he has any inkling that there is still a chance to reconcile? It just KILLS me that he would go forward with OW when he is unsure. How can they be so reckless!? He gave me a hug getting out of the the car - first one in three weeks. I'd like to think this is a sign of him having second thoughts, but I know it is just an expression of guilt and sadness, and we have plenty to go around.
Finally, I could use a pep talk about the long haul. Has anybody here EVER seen a sitch as bad as mine that works out? Where H moves out with a 6 month lease and pursues OW in long distance R and *acts* entirely sure of himself?
thanks to all who stop by here - this board keeps me going at my lowest points. erin
