Thanks PL for your support. It was good to hear about your scenario for homecoming as a model. I wish I could be hopeful that my H's return could be as good. I like your act as if advice - I just don't know if I can still do that after telling him I couldn't tolerate him going on this trip. I mean, I think he thinks I've given up on the M entirely, and in some ways that is good. It takes the pressure off him. But, then I'm acting as if *what*? As if we are good friends? Acting as if I am his loving wife (although I am!) isn't going to do it. Man, this DB stuff is not the least bit intuitive.
H comes home from seeing OW today. I am a ball of fear and anxiety. This is the weekend I have been dreading for months. Indeed, having him gone, knowing where he was and what he was doing was absoluely awful. I don't know I could possibly feel more betrayed. I'd like to think that he enjoyed himself less becuase he knows I know - but its doubtful he was thinking of me at all this weekend. Of course, that is part of what fires me up - he missed a major (to me, anyway) holiday with S2. It was agonizing to put together the baskets and hide the eggs alone. I suppose I should work on this - it was agonizing because I have an expectation of being partnered, and as usual, when disappointed it means I should change my expectations. Easier said than done.
The good news is that my sister was here this weekend, and her support was helpful. It just about killed me to tell her what was up - she loves my H like a brother after knwoing him for 12.5 years. I did a pretty good job of not entertaining obsessive thinking about what H and OW were doing, and I smiled quite a few times enjoying S2's Easter antics. Now, the next obstacle is in how to act when he shows up to see S2 tonight. I can't quite see anything but a frosty reception, as a warm smile seems insanely fake - but maybe that's the 180? I guess I'm still struggling with my H thinking I'm "doing great" and percieving that it actually is making it easier for him to leave me. Part of me wants him to know I am in agony, and for him to own it a little bit...but I guess that can't happen now while he is in la la land, right?
Finally, I'm having a hard time with a bit of magical thinking - i.e. maybe he had a horrible time and will come home wanting me back, or maybe knowing I knew his whereabouts took away the magic and now he's seen the light, or maybe he saw that she's a predatory witch and wants out now. I'm typing this up to officially recognize these ridiculous thoughts and try to put them to bed. Those scenarios are not going to happen. Period. He is in love. Not with me. He probably had the time of his life, and any recognition that he is making a mistake is a ways - probably years (?) - off. So, oh yeah, after saying all this, why do I think my M has any chance?
