I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. As you may know, my H returned from his trip to visit his OW in Germany last week, and I saw him on Wednesday. I am going to post on my thread in a little while about how that went and how I am doing. But I did want to address some of your concerns around sharing with others a little bit. I have shared my situation with more people than others might. However, I work in a counseling environment so most of the folks in my world are well trained (either personally or professionally) to be supportive and non-judgemental. I discovered that framing my situation in terms of my feelings, my behaviors, my responsibility, and particularly what I am committed to, has helped my loved ones get behind us. In fact, in our wedding ceremony, there was a clause where the friends and family had to make a commitment to us as a couple, to help and support us if we ever got in trouble - and they had to shout out that they agreed to that. So everyone I have spoken to, I have spoken to in that context, and it has been really helpful. However, I have a close friend and one daughter who have too much fear to understand what is happening and to love without judgement, and I have backed off from further conversations with them right now as it is toxic for me. I honestly do not know what will happen for my relationships or my H's relationships with them later, but I have decided that can not be my concern right now, as my focus is on self-care and the restoration of my marriage.
I wanted to encourage you, regarding your H, to do your very best to be loving, kind and upbeat after he returns. All I can tell you, is that you never know what's going to happen. But just be your best self and stay the course no matter what he is like when he returns. I decided to think of my H's return as the beginning of a period of time when I have more access to him that the OW does. It is my opportunity to make my best impressions, uninterrupted for a period of time. I thought of him just like I did before, returning from a trip when I have missed being with him and seeing him. I was really surprised how well that worked. Don't get me wrong, I still have a fair share of anxiety and insecurity about whether my DBing will be successful, or how to get through another week, etc. So I got back into my Solutions Journal, looked at my goals, and my behaviors and then marked the baby steps I saw. I am constantly reminding myself that change is gradual if it is to be permanent. I am seeing the baby steps. So write yours out, and stick with them. It really helps me to stay focused and controls me (somewhat) from wanting too much too soon.
Looking forward to your next post. I'm in Calgary, Canada on a holiday right now, but will check in as I can while I am here, or for sure when I get back to the US on the 22nd. Keep taking care of yourself. Enjoy the time with your loved ones. Don't carry the whole weight of it all yourself. There are lots of people who care about you, and I for one have got your back.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
