H stopped by last night to see S2 before his trip to see OW today. He was as tense as ever - signaling what I have always known is true among men: they behave the very worst when they feel guilty. I went for a run and we were able to be okay eating pizza and bathing S2 when I got back. Leaving, though, was awful. I can't say I didn't have some expectation - that he would at least acknowledge where he is going and what he is doing. I guess a tearful goodbye would have been what I expected. Instead I got nothing - he wouldn't even look me in the eye as he headed out the door. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at all last night. It is a full moon tonight, so it was very bright out last night and that was part of the problem. Today I am exhausted and trying so hard to continue the self talk about how I can't do anything about his actions and that I am going to get through this and be healthy and happy someday. It's tough.
THe good news is, my sister is coming today. She knows nothing. How have y'all managed this? My limited experience is this - mention to a woman that the marriage is in trouble, that H moved out and the first thing they asked is about a OW. H thinks that is rude and inappropriate(!), but there is no way to answer truthfully or otherwise that doesn't give away the truth. This is why I have kept the sitch almost entirely to myself. The wild thing is - H asked if sister would be here when he gets mack on Monday, and assuming I'll tell her where he is, he commented on how uncomfortable that would be. How the hell can it be more uncomfortable to see his SIL than to see me?! I am still his WIFE! A very dear childhood friend is coming through town to see me Saturday and I have the same concern - I can't bear to tell her but I also don't think I can fake it.
All for now. Is it bad that I am secretly hoping his relatively painless little hernia grows and strangulates and ruins his trip? Anybody have a voodoo doll out there? E
