So, H moved out yesterday. I tried to keep it together, and ended up leaving with S2 for the afternoon. We had a nice time at MIL's, I went for a LONG run, and S2 got to dig in the dirt all afternoon. H left me a note that he waited to see us last night before leaving, and I missed his call. I saw the missed call, but didn't call back as I figured anything important he would leave a message about. (Not calling back was a step for me.) This a.m. he called to see how I am. I am back to being brave today. Yesterday, not so good... The break down was as I was driving away yesterday, I was in tears. I said bye, as if for the last time, and (couldn't help myself) said "H, I loved being married to you." H started to tear up, but that was that, and I left.
I am trying so hard to remember the following today: 1. He has the right to leave this relationship. The M is over for him and it should be for me too. 2. The A is a symptom of larger issues. 3. I don't have to stop loving him, I have to find a way to grieve the end of M. 4. I can choose to detach. I can choose not to react to painful happenings. 5. Even if he acts nice or soft or loving or sad, he still has not chosen to be with me. He acts this way because he feels sad or bad, not becuase he wants to be with me. He has chosen OW.
I'm trying lots of self-talk these days, because otherwise I lose sight of the reality of this sitch. My sore tired psyche wants so badly to find something hopeful, that I am in constant danger of conjuring hopeful things - a look, a tear in his eye, etc. Self talk has gotten me through the hardest stuff in my life (e.g. a marathon, childbirth, etc.) Lets see how this goes. I'm not saying there is absolutely no hope - just that I can't tie my mood or my happiness to it.
