Quote: ...if I'm obsessing now I wonder how I'll function when I know he's actually there!
is that it got a lot better for me on the second day after my H left. The anticipation (and the stuff I made up in my head) and the ridiculous embarrassing secret hope that I had that he would decide at the last minute not to go at all - well all that was a lot worse than being here in my home, and having friends and family loving and supporting me, and not having him call or come by to re-trigger my anticipation anxiety. So I will wish for you the kind of week like I have had. A joyous, connected time for you and your son, some beautiful weather, simple pleasures, and some GREAT self care activities.
My H stopped going to MC with me 4 or 5 weeks ago. It turned out he was only going because he thought I needed him to. He was just assuaging his guilt. No thanks! I told him recently that I am only interested in having a healthy relationship, and that if I feel hurt or he feels guilty, we are out of balance. I am not sure how far we will have to separate/detach to achieve balance, thisis still a work in progress. But that's my goal - health. My H looks like he's still on an unhealthy track. However, I must say he looked stronger and healthier and more in balance the week before he left than he had in a while. We shall see when he returns from the trip with OW what happens next. I do believe that she is a VERY unhealthy factor in his life, and the more info I have, the more that seems to be true.
I have been thinking about your son. Does he miss your H, or is their relationship already too distant? Because, as a parent, I think it is perfectly appropriate to discuss your son's needs with your H (need for time spent together, etc.) However, it would not be appropriate to use your son as a way to create more time with H for you. I realize that this can sometimes be tricky, to separate your emotions regarding your H from your son's needs. But I hope you are thinking about ways to express your son's needs and advocate on his behalf, as he will not be able to do it for himself for a very, very long time. My daughter growing up rarely saw her father. It seemed like consistency mattered more than anything, however. When she was 2, I told her dad that if he wanted a relationship with her, he should be consistent. He called every Sunday for years. The phone calls were short and perhaps totally uneventful. But I do think somehow it helped my daughter realize he was there and also could be called upon if needed. And I think it has helped her relationship with him as an adult. They don't see each other much, she has low expectaions of him, but she still knows he is there and can be called upon if ever needed.
Anyway, keep deep breathing, meditating, etc. like you have been doing. I think good thoughts for you often. I think you are doing great! This is not easy. Detach, with love. Detach, with love.
I like being part of the motley crew
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
