Thanks RB and GH for pointing out that I should tone down the drama on this. You are right - something is going to give - things won't be exactly like this forever. He!!, I may be the one wanting a divorce at some point! H just has such a hard time with examining his actions - we have talked about this lots in our lives together. He usually makes good decisions, but when a decision is either bad or not so good, and he has the luck to sense it ahead of time, he still can't pull back and change course. He likes being decisive more than he likes being right, and so he is a nightmare to DB with.
Which brings me to something else that has been on my mind. PMA. What is this in DB land? PMA about myself and the idea that I will survive this somehow and be a good person still? PMA that H will recover from A and MLC and want a new M with me? I can see how I am much more cynical than many of y'all about my sitch working out, and I wonder if that has to do with my attitude or something more objective i.e. my sitch is less likely to work out than others described here? Can somebody give me a way to digest PMA? I certainly wouldn't mind having more hopefullness about my H, I just don't see what there is to be hopeful about sometimes.
Tonight is likely our last MC session. H announced another business trip last night that starts hours after he returns from Germany after Easter, and then he already had a conference for the last week of April. So there goes another month - without seeing S2, without IC or MC. I did, BTW, resist the urge to point this out, or to suggest he not go to Germany in order to meet his family obligations. Micro step for me. Anyway, I am thinking alot about why somebody in my sitch would go to MC. Although H has said that MC has been helpful in restoring communication, and has always maintained that he was open to working on M (lie), I just don't know what we can accomplish with A flourishing. It seems like being in close and honest communication undermines my ability to act as if. So, tonight I'm going to ask for a few things - and then tyr to be okay with not going anymore - unless things change and we BOTH say we need it. I've been following Mama's thread on MC lately, and wonder if I didn't push it too much early on. 1. to scale back his assessment "we're getting a divorce" to "we're separated." Honestly, I just can't bear the weight of D right now. I know he acts like we aleady are D in order to justify his actions with OW, but I think its reasonable to ask him to let me accept this path slowly. Its not like anybody else knows, but as people start to find out, I guess it matters to me how it is presented. Reasonable, or am I getting neurotic because of my lack of control here? 2. I want him to own that I wasn't asking him to consider a bad mariage to me. Whenever he acts like he has no choice but to go forward with A, I say you did have a choice and he acts exasperated - says "what! A sham marriage with no love? That's not an option and not good for S2 either!" This is not only false, but consistantly offends me. No, I don't want a loveless marriage. I don't know how we could have recovered, just that we could have. It's important to me that he recognize this for some reason. Again, should I let this go to - I mean, its not like he's going to apologize, right?
Anyway, I am doing better with detaching each day. However, I must admit that the obsessive thoughts are back full swing. No, I am not a head case, but those obsessive thoughts about H and OW that we all had in the early days seem to be back interrupting my sleep in a huge way. I am deep breathing, meditating, saying hail marys (extra funny as I am not Catholic) and envisioning stop signs, but still slept badly all week. Perhaps it has to do with his impending trip...if I'm obsessing now I wonder how I'll function when I know he's actually there!
Enough for now. Send me serenity and good karma for MC tonight. You all are a wonderful and motley crew and I am so thankful to have this outlet.
