So much keeps happening. It sure does seem like it is raining misery on our house lately. Well, H's estranged father tried to contact him last week - H only e-mailed back to middle man "Why, what does he want?" - and now I read H's father's obituary online. He died the same day he was trying to contact H. He is not sad. Says he doesn't feel anything. Won't send anything to widow, won't even call to see how he died. He was only 54. H thinks that unresolved father issues have nothing to do with current sitch - even though "shared experience growing up is what brought us together" he said in January. I guess I can't be the woman for him becuase my father is a loving and kind man who is married to my mother and even loves H to death (that is, until he finds out about sitch.) Then, last night, he is lifting downstairs and comes up to have me feel his belly. Yep. Another hernia. He had one repaired about 6 years ago on the other side. He is only 34. Man, you should have seen the tailspin this put him in. I guess I have to remember that his ego is totally overblown right now, but this hernia, this insult to his manhood, had him practically in tears and cursing god. When I, honestly trying to offer some comfort, said, "Hey, I know things are heavy now, but this hernia has a solution. It's the least of your problems" He was mean as a snake, saying "thanks for minimizing my feelings" etc. Gawwd. Later, he said that he thinks he is being punished with bad karma for his actions. S2 was burned last week badly, his father died, and he now needs surgery. He said he was afraid of dying on the operating table or, becoming impotent from surgery. (Hah! Is there such a thing as karmic justice?!) I know that this sort of thinking is normal for somebody who is looking externally for answers to everything, when the answers really lie within him. I feel really supersticious myself right now. I wanted so badly to say - well then, make a different choice! but I knew he wouldn't hear me. So, in all he was a true jerk to me last night, but I was able to stay pretty cool, and not take it personally, and even pointed out that he was treating me badly when really I have nothing to do with his circumstances.
Another detachment victory: He sent me e-mail yesterday about his work schedule in June. I work weekends, a 24 hour call shift every other weekend now (but every weekend for the nine months before A, in case you are wondering how the heck a nice couple like us got into trouble. H, of course, thinks my work schedule had NOTHING to do with it. Hah!) He has a conference in Germany in June for 1 week. However, he e-mails that he will be gone for two weeks. Obviously, taking a week of leave to see OW. Now, two problems with this:1. I need to work one of these weekends while he watches S2, and he knows it and he didn't consult, and 2. How come he gets european vacation every two months and S2 and I get none? Notice, I didn't flip out about him seeing her though? I am starting to detach. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt like he!!, I'm just noticing that I can compartmentalize what I need to react to. I know he wants to be with her. This doesn't change that. How he is going about it maybe deserves some attention. What do y'all think - can I try to discuss his thoughtless scheduling and budgeting without him thinking I am quibbling about him seeing her? If not, then I'll just let it go like so much other water under the bridge - but I wonder if some OT type out there would tell me to stand up for myself about the money and childcare issues. However, I didn't let it rule my mood or my evening, and until I decide how to manage this I'll keep quiet. Compare that to how I was devestated finding out about his trip to Germany next week. I am really doing better. Now, I still cry every day and feel so sad about the end of my M, but I finally get it that I can't fix it. It might get fixed soemday, but that is the least likely outcome. For now I just try to have faith in what people tell me - that either way, I will be happy again. Someday. erin
