not sure what to do next-please help

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Erin,

Thanks for your great reply. This really struck me:

In fact, I suspect that the GAL and acting as if I have been doing actually helps him to leave me. Does anybody else feel this way? I mean, he has said how great I am doing, and how good I look, and it seems he is thinking "phew, now I can really leave her and know she won't fall apart." I don't know any other way to understand it.

I have felt that myself, that my H is wanting me to look good and GAL and feel really good so then he won't have to feel guilty anymore and can walk away more easily. In the very beginning after the reveal of the affair, almost 3 months ago, when my daughter asked him how I was doing, he replied, "Oh she's doing REALLY well!" etc. My daughter knew how upset I was at that time, so it appeared this was me doing a good early job at DBing along with his need to feel like I was OK and not hurting so he would not have to feel guilty.

So guess what? Today I decided that the guilt was unhealthy for our relationship, and since I am committed to having a healthy relationship (rather than just any relationship) and because we have each been suffering for far too long, I was able to detach. I took a day off today, and thought about if there was anything I needed to say. I had to call him about some legal papers on our house, and was able to do a 180 re: detachment with love at the same time. I'll post more about that on my thread a little later. But I feel so much better. I really get that detachment is key, its just so hard for me to get there sometimes, I am such a strongly passionate person.

Now of course, it would be wonderful if he figures out at some point that he misses me, and that he wants to work on our relationship. I am still committed to our marriage. But I am now going to focus on myself and on disentangling our lives, rather than focusing on him.

I'm proud of you that you are such a good DBer, that you can have him there with your son, do the run with him, etc. and be his friend. I know how hard this is. I have the same kind of discomfort about the rising costs of my H's choices, and the lack of sentimentality over material possessions. My H came by to pick up his leather jacket for his trip. It was the first Xmas present I got for him, when we were engaged. I always loved him in it, but he never wore it much with me. And now he'll wear it with her? Go figure. My thoughts about the bed are, what will feel worse, keeping it around as a constant reminder of your lost family life, or letting him have it? Sometimes stuff holds energy for us that we will benefit from letting go of. Just a thought.