Hi PL - thanks for checking in with me. I have read your thread as well, an identify with so much of it. We are indeed sisters in sitch, and not just due to frequent flyer miles between here and Frankfort. I really appreciate your warm encouragement at a time when I am feeling so few options. I fear that this will drap on forever becasue it is long distance and hey, who wouldn't love a weekend in the Alps in the springtime? I bet I could fall in love there pretty fast myself! I just pray I have the patience and self control to stop closing doors on myself, and the wisdom to know where to set boundaries in the meantime.

A few things I found some insight on by reading about your life instead of micro-anylzing mine for once:
1. It is difficult for smart, capable, empowered women like us to DB, because we want so badly to do something about our H's, when really the only thing we can work on is ourselves. We are fixers and we have to stop - even though that was partly a good thing in my M. There will be silences (pregnant ones perhaps, where we are both wondering why I didn't just offer to the fix the issue at hand as I always have in the past.) This detachment thing is just now beginning to make some sense to me.
2. Sadly, I have had the same hopes for my H's trip to Germany over Easter weekend - hoping he will see that this A is a false thing - a chimera if you will. But, I think it is a trap to think this way. Keep your expectations low. Remember he is going there is pursuit of love, and he will probably find some form of it. - not the mature knowing love you have shared, but some eros to tide him over to his next visit. Its good to recognize that we don't know what these trips means to them, but putting all our hopes in the least likely outcome is not a good way to treat ourselves.

My H signed a six month lease yesterday for an apartment. I am trying trying trying to let go of him. Of my marriage. Of my, beleive it or not, happy past. I sort if wish he would recognize that there is still a chance for us, but I very confused about how this owuld go. Part of me thinks the only chance we have is if he thinks I have given up. That is, since our R problems are about control to some extent, it seems like my 180 is to give up all expectations of a reconciliation so he can truly feel pressure free. The gentle pressure of knowing I wanted to reconcile may have been too much - although he was responding in small ways... Obviously, I am conflicted about this. It felt good to see his behavior when he was in conflict - hugs, tears, even just talking about our sadness in all this on occasion. And maybe I didn't give that enough time - but with this trip impending, I felt I had to let him know I was letting him go - mostly because I didn't think he would respect me if he thought I would tolerate that. Talk about being pushed into a corner! He actually said "I think you should let me go and not continue to let me denigrate you like this." OK. What else can I do if I want to be a woman worthy of coming back to - even if that is the least likely thing?

He is generally very destructive right now. The rent for this place is steep (everyplace is where we live) - so he is putting the $1000/mo rent on his credit card! He says he will keep up with it, but if that were true why not just write a check every month? His committment to our home isn't changed, but I feel resentful of how his A affects the financial future for me and S2. He hasn't spoken to his mother except to yell at her since she kicked him out of her house last week. His estranged and dying father (who, ahem, left him when he was 2) has tried to contact him and he is not responding. None of his dear friends know the sitch at all, and he is putting heavy pressure on me to keep it that way - saying it compromises his security clearance and his ability to provide for us. So, all this to say, I wish that his self-destructon would lead to some clarity, but there is no end in sight.

On the good side, it has been nice having him home to help with S2 this week. I do feel used, but after S got burned, I really needed the help. H and I ran a 10 miler yesterday. The weather and the course were outstanding, and we both ran much faster than we expected. He seemed genuinely happy for me and proud of me, as I was for him. Before heading to the guest room he commented on how good a day it had been. I have absolutely no illusions that this is waking anything up in him- I only mention it to recognize that I/we are having some nice times like friends. In fact, I suspect that the GAL and acting as if I have been doing actually helps him to leave me. Does anybody else feel this way? I mean, he has said how great I am doing, and how good I look, and it seems he is thinking "phew, now I can really leave her and know she won't fall apart." I don't know any other way to understand it.

One final small thing to work through for myself - when he moves into his apartment next week, he wants to take the guest bed (we really can't afford new furniture too) I am the practical one, and feel that's reasonable, but alas, the guest bed is the one we bought when we got married almost 9 years ago. It is where our son was conceived, where we all rested moments after he was born at home with our midwife, and where we have spent thousands and thousands of hours together as a family. oh yeah, and it is a $3500 restoration hardware sleigh bed. I could see him taking it and just call it a loss, except I just can't stand the thought of him sleeping with OW on it. Am I being too sentimental? I've lost my filter for such things.
My best to all who come by here today. Wish I were more upbeat, but Mondays are hard that way.
Erin