Well, RBinBR, I think I am finally starting to get this detachment thing. The step by step instructions on the website made me feel like a kindergardener, but it was effective. No, no, I am not even near practicing it correctly, but I think I finally get why it is good and not just a way to destroy loving ties with someone. It's worth mentioning, that I too grew up in a very enmeshed household. My mother is wonderful, eccentric, very talented, but probably has a borderline personality disorder. That said, it honestly took me about ten years to see how she wasn't healthy, decide I wasn't responsible for that, decide that space from her was good, and then effect that distance and detachment. The problem is that after spending the majority of my twenties on this task, and finding peace that I had found an appropriate distance, from her, now at 31 I can honestly say we will never ever be as close as we were. For me, detaching has meant loving less. Of course, this is becuase I somehow entangle love with guilt or duty or control or vulnerability or maybe all of these things. Certanly, it is baggage from how I was raised that I can work on, nonetheless, I see how detachment is good, and I know I have to do it to be healthy with H inside or outside of marriage. It's just so F'ing hard.

H and I went to socail function for his work last night and had a great time. It was so good to be social and just act as if everything was ok for once. Of course, H was stony as ever, but nobody noticed and I just pretended for the evening. Now, today there is the inevitable sadness from returning to our life. H is looking at apartments today. He talked with OW for an hour last night on cell phone - I heard him take the call in the guest room, and then when I asked him today if he was honoring the terms of our agreement (help with household and no A contact from this house) he lied to me. I suppose he should move out. We do not have the money for a second rent, but I guess its all water under the bridge at this point. My only girlfriend who knows the blow by blow is insistent that I should talk with an attorney to protect myself. I am not ready - but I don't want to be dumb. Maybe in due time. Although I am committed to letting go of H, I still DO NOT want D in any way. Should my goal be to start wanting a D just to survive this without feeling vicitimized? No - I suppose detaching effectively would be sufficient.

I read in somebody else's thread (who I wonder?) that all the WAS they have ever known have at some point wanted thier LBS back. I wish I could beleive this. Right now it just seems so hopeless. I guess I'm looking for reassurance where none can be found. I would DB for years if I KNEW it would come to something - but to endure so much for a D I don't want is sometimes too painful to think about.

Finally, a little H talk to air out loud. First, he said several times today how good I looked last night - he noticed other men noticing me and said I was "downright sexy" to which I rolled my eyes.(I wish I'd been cooler, but I didn't know how to act - I mean sexy to whom? He doesn't want me and he knows I won't sleep with anybody else outside of marriage.) He didn't even touch my shoulder once all night. Why say this to me the next day? Does he think he is being charitable by trying to repair some damage to my self-esteem from his A? There is no question that he is not sexually interested in me. Why would he go on about this? Secondly, he talked about the next step in his present job, although he is leaving for high paying new job he will hate in about 6 months. I asked him why and he said he was keeping all his options open for as long as possible. WHF? By pushing his germany trip up two months, and knowing I said I couldn't tolerate that, he knew his options would then be limited with me. Is his statement unrelated entirely, or does he honestly think I am bluffing and would welcome him home now at any minute?
Anyway, thanks RB and free to be. I am detaching away - even if only in spirit while I figure it out.
Erin