The question that I think determines it is: If he's at home with you, how will you act? Will you be able to act "as if" and GAL and seem to be enjoying life, or will you be an emotional wreck, get into arguments with him, and make sarcastic comments?
I've been thinking about this alot. First, a little update on life here in perfect-ville. Tues am, S2 pulls a pot of hot coffee off the counter and burns himself badly. We spent a night at children's hopsital, and were discharged yesterday. God willing, we will avoid skin grafts, but it is still an option if tissue continues to die as it often does with bad 2nd degree burns. He is okay now, coping well with pain, and showing himself to be an incredible little trooper. But, this whole episode has obviously overshadowed the M issues at hand.
H has been sleeping here becuase I needed his help. He agreed to my terms - help with the household and no A calls/emails from this house. I am looking at it as a trial, but very unsure of how to move forward. I mean, I guess I meant it last weekend when I told him I was going to let him go. I still don't want to, but I think I need to. Now, am I still holding out hope of a DB success story? In some ways, yes. It's worth mentioning that I read OT's post to NM about the needy office mate analogy this am and have been sort of overcome by it. Yes, yes, pursuing in any way is so useless, but it so very hard to recognize how repulsive it is when you are the pursuer. I know in my heart OT had me in mind when she talked about folks shooting themselves in the foot here. I'm lucky I can walk at all. That said, I just don't know if continuing to have some shred of hope won't undermine my own need for recovery. Let's face it - I have a formidible task in front of me: I have to WILL myself to stop loving my life's partner. I don't know how. My heart is still open to him - although I'm not sure I could reconcile, I would consider it. Now, how does one navigate this tunnel? I suppose that either way I will have to try to push my love for him down, GAL and hope I am a better person when at long last this ordeal is over. But the day to day living has me puzzled. If I were holding out hope I would be more likely to act as if and/or consider going dark. The truth is, I can't quite imagine leaving here or going dark because I don't believe it is the best for our son. So, having told him I am done trying, am I now doing the last resort, or is my only option "after the last resort"? (which I am not sure I am willing to do.) In terms of the feasability of living with him and keeping the emotion down, I can say that last night was pretty normal - dinner, household chores and a little TV. It felt awful to be so distant of course, but it wasn't intolerable I don't think. Of course, with the drama of S2's burns, maybe I'm not a good judge right now... So, I guess the question is - where am I in DBing? Have I left it behind, or am I just now ready to start? (And how come I don't know the difference?)
