Thanks so much guys for helping me flesh this scenario out. When I came home Sunday night after saying I couldn't tolerate him going to Germany, and so we were done, I was contemplating either leaving with S2 and fleeing home to family (none of whom know the sitch, BTW) or staying here and going dark. Really dark. As dark as one can go with toddler in tow. So, now that he wants to come home, I am too confused. I know he wants to come home to make his life easier, and it has NOTHING to do with US, but it could be an opportunity of sorts. Yes, GH, I lived with H for two months knowing about A and it is so tough. When he did leave it was his doing - I thought I could act as if some more. But that was a month ago, and we were still making progress and he wasn't planning a trip to Germany and lying to me about it. Now, I just don't know. I keep thinking I should do the thing most likely to help him come back into his right mind - because I usually make decisions based on the desired outcome - but I am finally really getting it that I can't know the outcome here and I can't support one outcome over another with my actions anyway.
Having him home could make some things so much easier - childcare, household things, the dog etc. But, I also see that as a source of conflict when he lets me down as he may well do. I told him last night (on no sleep in 36 hours and very unsure of myself) that he could come home for a few weeks as a trial, and that I would expect him to help with the household and that he could not bring his A into this space - no calls or e-mailing from here. He was defensive - "I pay the bills" "I don't have to ask you to live there" and other crap - I think becuase he is not used to me having ANY control in this sitch. He said lots of "then just forget it" stuff. I, okay, I did see an advantage for S2 in having him home and he should consider that. He said I'd know his decision if he came home tomight. (He's been in his office for two nights now)
Now, how to act if he comes? I can't act like his wife, and that will be hard even after all these months of abuse. Do I make him dinner? Leave him some in the fridge? I need to walk a line between GAL and not having him here as a boarder with no responsibilities. In the months before he left I was so June Cleaver about our home life - wanting to normalize so badly - that I can't imagine how it should be now. I guess the question is - can I "last resort" with him now that I have said I'm no longer waiting around for him to make the right decision? Or, is that exactly when one can "last resort" effectively?
I suppose seeing this as a trial is perhaps best if it does happen. But then, if it is bad for me after all, will I have the strength to make him leave? It's not like the OW is a loser - sure she is morally bankrupt and short on ethics and possibly an alcoholic, but she is an attorney and fun and likely attractive and about 7 years younger than me and she has no kids to complicate life and split her attention. In short, thier fantasy life isn't too bad a fantasy. In comparison, our life here is complicated. S2 is very needy these days. Money is a struggle now since H is burning it left and right. I love what I do (I'm a midwife) but I hate my job and childcare is always a struggle (I won't put him in a daycare center.) Can I act as if so well that all these challenges seem to melt away? Or will he come back to the chaos he has created and see us as the worse choice? I suppose it doesn't matter. He has made his choice. This is just a way of living until D, or until he starts new job and can afford an apartment, right? Typing this out is helping, but I am still unsure. Thanks again GH and PRinBR for your insight. We'll see where he sleeps tonight... Erin PS to GH - your wife has been unwavering in her committment to her kids - and you are thier father. At the end of the day, she gets that she is hurting a family with what she is doing, so she is a different sort of alien than PR's W or my H. Our S can't see that right now. They are leaving our kids just like they are leaving us-blindly. I think in the long run, that gives you a tremendous advantage over muscle bound business man. I know. Small comfort. But take it where you can get it.
