Hey RBinBR - thanks for so much time and thought in your comments. You've got me thinking about a few things:

First, I suppose I can address the recognition issue in a few low-key ways in everyday conversation. And you're right, sarcasm undercuts that. It's just that sarcasm is my crutch...

Now, as far as the anger issue - YEs running helps immensely. However, I can't run everyday, and I really notice my ability to cope suffers when I can't get away for a few miles. I am gritting my teeth to a pulp (literally) with the daily stresses of parenthood and my marriage falling apart. Honestly, I don't feel too much overt anger at my H these days - probably that was a luxury I had when I thought he was on his way home right after leaving us (saying how much he missed us etc.) I try to do breathing exercises when I am losing it and can't do anything else (like this a.m. when my S2 sprayed toasted sesame oil all over the walls and the stairs and the carpet while I was washing my face. ) All in all, I think I am doing okay with the anger and coping, I'm just used to being an enormously patient person, and I am not there right now.

Now, about Germany - I agree that reacting is a bad idea - I just don't see any options here. I'm not ready to make any decisions or give an ultimatum, but I am anticipating how painful it will be to know he is there with her, and I just can't imagine how I will cope. How will I look him in the eye after? How will he look me in the eye?

I guess I just need something to lean on right now - something from him to help me keep going. I know that this very need is part of the problem, but I don't know what to do about it. Yes yes. I know you will all say to detach. But, I have to admit, that detaching just hasn't clicked with me yet. I don't know how to love him and not let him hurt me with his actions at the same time. It's almost 3 mos since d-day, and I am still in nearly constant agony. I am so tired and so sad and feel so rejected and like such a failure at marriage. Yes, I do have okay days and some good moments, and I suppose I need to remember that I won't always feel like I feel right now - but it sure is hard to come up with a game plan when the chips are down like this. He is scheduled to leave for Germany two weeks from Thurs. The good news is that he is going to IC on 3/30 for the first time. I am tryig so hard not to get my hopes up. It could be weeks or months before that yields even the smallest change...
enough for now
Erin