First, thansk so much to so many who have replied. I can't say how much reading your encouragement has helped. Now, I wish I could be a littel more orgnized in responding, but I'm not so good at this posting thing, so I just see what happens....

H has surprised me since I told him I knew about the trip. He has not been too defensive or withdrawn as I would have expected. I suppose I made this easy when, in fear, I told him a few days after confronting him on his lie that nothing had changed. I guess I was taking GH's advice - I asked myself if his plan changed the overall situation wherin he was cheating and I was DBing, and it didn't.

As me for me - I have gotten a grip of sorts. Somehow. I am able to eat again which is a relief becuase I love food (yes, three cheers for the LBS diet! 5'7" and lost almost thirty pounds since Jan - don't worry - 138# is still healthy for me.) And since I'm eating, I can run when my schedule allows which helps my mood immeasureably. I'm planning on running the cherry blossom 10 miler in a few weeks, and if my marriage still sucks I may well sign up for the Marine Corps Marathon this fall. I last ran it 10 years ago - I was a senior in college. I was so strong and fast and lean - I would love to feel powerful like that again. My days with S2 are good, but I have bad moments. I yell, and I hate yelling at my kid. I cry, and I hate crying in front of him. Sometimes he comes up to me, puts his little baby hands on my face and says "mommy sad." It breaks my heart. THis little guy is so precious, and he deserves two good parents, instead he has one injured one. God willing, we'll all get through this without too many scars.

Now, about the sitch - we have actually had a few good conversations. No "marriage conferences" as we were supposed to, to a few R talks nonetheless. It occurs to me that H thinks we are working on M when we have R talk - while I would think we were working on M if were doing M things together: dates, living together, eating dinner as a family etc. I think that's how he justifies saying he is working on M when that is impossible when he is carrying on A. I am a bit uncomfortable with all the R talk, as it is not very DB, but he doesn't seem to mind, and it is getting us somewhere. Anyway, a few things have come into the light between us, and show some promise for expanding. After MC a few weeks ago, where he went on about how he never got enough recognition in our M, I asked him why he rejected $ex with me so much over the past few years (I swear, I am attractive and nice and good in bed - still it was a crummy pattern of 2-3X, then nothing for a month or more etc.) He said he didn't know, and we both said it was a puzzling thing - maybe a symptom of something bigger, but unsure of what it meant. Well, HE brought it up last week, and we explored further. I suggested that maybe his internet/MB habit was out of proportion to his real life, and he agreed. Anyway, to spare you the details, the more I think and read about this, I think it is critiical to what happened with OW, and although I don't see him taking responsibility for it (maybe ever) I do think he is interested in changing this pattern. Anyway, I think it is so good that we are talking about it openly - and I am guessing that we can becaues there is no sex between us right now, so no pressure etc. Although he did say he thought I was looking hot lately.

Now, in the meantime, a major job offer appeared on the scene. It would change his whole life in a big way - double the money almost and no travel and no risk of deployment - cushy civilian life. I think he is going to take it, and I am scared to death. I fear he is taking it to be able to live alone (not with his mom who is driving him nuts) and pay child support and be with OW who he otherwise cannot be with. Moreover, I think he will be miserable doing this job, especially considering he LOVES his current position. However, I have been reading lots of posts by GH and OT and I will say that I don't KNOW what he is thinking in taking the job. It's worth mentioning that he has said a few "we" sentences about after the new job i.e. "we'd get a sailboat" - which I know weren't mistakes becuase he has assiduously avoided ANY future talk about us. It's like he was trying it out on his tongue, so I know not to make too much of it. So, I am trying to be supportive and not interfere, and own that I don't need to fix this for him.
I guess that has been a biggy for me - not trying to affect outcomes lately. When my MIL told me she was going to kick him out - instead of panicking about where he will go and telling her that kicking him out won't make him move home, I just left her with it - said "It seems like this makes you really sad. Me too." I'm a very textbook middle child who tries to fix everything for everyone - so this is a big step and I am a little proud of myself.

Now, about Germany I am still stuck. I just don't know how I can tolerate it if he does go. I can avoid doing anything rash until then, but I don't know if I can tolerate DBing when he comes back. I suppose I have to expect that he is going - as RB said - everything he does right now is leading up to that trip. In fact, when I asked him what he was thinking in going - he said "I don't know" - but also "I guess I think the answer lies there." Not encouraging at all. Why oh why can't he see that the answer lies in him!? This is especially ironic given that one of his complaints about our M (before I knew about A, and thought this was just about M) was that I look for happiness outside myself too much. HA! So, I expect that he will go. I simply don't know if I can handle it. I know an ultimatum is no good. I also know that I don't think I can handle such an in-your-face betrayal. I have no options other than to observe, but I don't know how I can avoid action after he comes back. Hopefully we will talk about this in MC next week. He has also said he is going to seek IC, but I'll believe it when I see it. I suppose I could go dark if he goes and then see how the chips fall...I just don't know what else to do. I know that he thinks he can disentangle himself by going - but we all see that he will only be more entangled. Horribly so. Lord, if only he wouldn't go. Easter would be a wonderful time to come home and recommit to a marriage, wouldn't it?
So, I guess I'm in a DB holding pattern trying to be lovely while he thrashes about and destroys our married life and all of his integrity. I am feeling good about doing as well as I am - and he has noticed. Said several times how I am doing better than him - you know, it makes me mad when he says this - it's like he's thinking, "phew. Now I can go ahead and leave her now that I know she won't fall apart." Anybody else have the urge to tell thier H how bad they are really feeling underneath all the "as ifs"?

Enough for now. Thank you all for your insight - its not like the light at the end of the tunnel - its better - its a much needed light IN the tunnel. And it is dark in this one.
E