So after much deliberation, and very little sense of what was the right thing to do, I confronted H about lying to me yesterday. He called from airport to do our twice weekly "marriage conference" It was my turn to go first - I had 15 minutes, I simply said "I know you are going to Frankfurt over Easter, I am very hurt that you orchestrated a lie about going on a solo camping trip to figure things out when you were really planning to see OW. I am confused becuase we had agreed to at least be honest with each other. " He said nothing. Asked to talk with S2 - who wouldn't talk to him becuase he hasn't seen him in a week - and then asked me how I knew. I said that I wish I didn't know, I came across the info inadvertantly, and I wasn't going to discuss how I knew right then because it was diverting the importance of the imformation back onto me. He was mad. So mad he didn't even yell....or maybe not - I guess if I were acting as if, I'd have to say I don't know how he was feeling, except that he said I wasn't being honest with him becuase I didn't tell him how I knew his plan, I guess he really didn't say much. I tried very hard to be the one ending the phone call, but it was a little hairy. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish with telling him, I just know that I didn't think I could go forth as if I didn't know, and so I didn't have much of an option. BTW, I didn't tell him not to go, only that I was hurt by his lie.
So, in the aftermath, I feel petrified. What if this is the thing that puts him over the hill to the point of no return? Isn't it funny with DBing how the goal is to see we have no control, except in the case where we ruin things - i.e. push or pursue or beg. I mean, if we really have no impact on our S, then these things wouldn't hurt either, right? Anyway, I am consumed with fear right now. I feel like I did in the beginning - can't eat, can't sleep, can't hardly imagine how I am going to get through the days. I know that there was no good conversation we could have had last night, but I so wanted SOMETHING back from him. I know I know. That's the problem. I need to just feel good that I set a boundary about lying to me - in fact, I was acting as if when I told him becuase I was acting as if I'm not controlled by my fear - although I mostly am. The timing of this just sucks so badly. I really do think he was shifting a little. He had said alot lately about missing us and he even said the other day "I didn't forget everything about our marriage." So, I have a tiny hunch that he was going to break things off with her - and although all of us here see that a plan like that stinks and only entangles people more, I suspect that really was his intention. Either that, or as I type this I realize, perhaps he was just acting nicer and more affectionate because he had a huge lie on his shoulder to cover and also try not to feel bad about - maybe he thought acting like he was considering reconciliation would mitigate his guilt in going to see her over Easter. Nevertheless, I just didn't see how I could pretend I didn't know. THe last time he did this was January, right before I found out about the A, and I when I found out I thought how I would have done ANYTHING to keep him from seeing her and cementing thier A (before that it had just been a fling with addict style calls and e-mail, after it was "love") I wonder if that memory is what drove me to act on this. I suppose I could have tried to Db through this lie too - acting as if, hoping he would cancel the trip, but I eventually would have felt how I feel now becuase he wouldn't have cancelled. I guess I'm acting on the principle that bad news never gets better with age.
I recognize that part of the reason I feel so desperate is that I have very little support when times are bad. The only people who know the whole story are my sister in law and my marriage counselor. I have one girlfriend who knows most of the story, but she is becoming inpatient with H and is starting to reflect that she thinks I am being a doormat, so I don't confide in her anymore. None of my family knows - they would kill him, and in the best case scenario of reconciliation, its best not to muddy that water. Anyway, all of my friends are happliy married women, mostly with a toddler and a new baby, and I just can't burden them with this - besides - who has time to talk about it when raising kids! Nobody even knows we are separated. When old friends call I just don't call them back to avoid lying to them about my M. I see that this is destructive, but I don't know another way about it that wouldn't cause problems if we do reconcile. I suppose I could try to go to counseling by myself again, but I'm not sure how that helps - my past experience was with a counselor who wanted me to be happy, and put her energy into helping me see a peaceful end to the marriage. I don't want an end to the marriage. But maybe some of you have wrestled with this youselves?
So, for now time moves so slowly, and I just take it minute by minute. It stinks that I have worked so hard over the last three months to GAL and start detatching only to feel like such a newbie again. I don't think this is what y'all mean when you say to start with a beginners mind... E
