oh my lord. My knees are weak. Feel like vomiting. Was checking mail, quickly even though I have to work in five hours, to post a little note of feeling encouraged tonight after talking to H. But, I SWEAR I was not snooping, only trying to sort out some voicemail, so I looked at H's yahoo account quickly - not snooping because all illicit behavior always goes through his work address - and found an itinerary to Germany next month. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. It's not the A, so much as the lying. How can he be saying he is looking for distance and objectivity when he is telling me about his "hiking trip to Shenandoah" over Easter weekend, and instead booking a weekend with her? PLease send me some advice on how to understand this sort of lie. Nobody knows our sitch except my sister in law (a pschycologist) and our MC. Called sister in law tonight who is supportive of DB, but feels this sort of lie is too unnacceptable. She thinks I should call for emergency MC appt. next week, and tell him I know about trip, and say that lying is not okay, and then it is up to him what he does with it. I don't see it going well. I see it being like every other time I have caught him in a lie - where he acts like it is my fault he lied (acts like it becuase he believes it in some F'd up way) and then is very angry with me and says it is over. On the other hand, I don't see how I can go forward knowing about this trip. This is, of course, why we shouldn't snoop. I just don't see right now how I can DB through this. This betrayal really does top the others - and I don't think it is just becuase it is a fresh new betrayal - although I might be wrong on that. I mean, we have really had a good week. I have seen real change in him towards me - hugs and kissed me on the mouth tonight, even said I love you before he left this evening. I know many of you have put up with this sort of thing - and I wonder how. Lord, I know that sounded sarcastic - but I swear I really meant it - How? How do I overlook this lie and then pretend he is working on things with me when I know this trip is pending or taking place? I feel like I'm cracking up here. Really. I know I have been through this with the bomb on 2jan and again when I discovered the A on 22Jan, but I really wonder how resilient I can be. I don't have the option of lying in bed for a week - I have a 2 yo who deserves two good parents. Right now he doesn't have any. Forgive my pity party - I just feel so desperate right now. Lord help me.
