Quote: So, even though I read this through and feel ashamed of how whiny and useless it is,
you have no need to feel any shame. You are among friends - and at the beginning of what is likely to be a long and tiring journey - so no shame, no blaming yourself and no beating yourself up for your use or absence of db skills.
DBing is a tool, one that is designed to put a framework around your behaviour while you live through a terrible set of circumstances. It's not a guarantee, it's not a miracle cure, but it is the most effective tool for going through marriage crisis I can find - and like all tools, you need to use it for different reasons/ways than others need to. No harm in that.
Erin, has your husband told your MC that he is still in contact with ow? Has he told you or MC that he has ceased contact with her? I only ask because a MC worth his/her salt should be able to sus that out.
So, your husband only moved out one and a half weeks ago? Is that right? If so these are early days girlfriend. Are his family supportive? Are yours?
I understand what you are getting at re resentment at being a single mum. It is outrageously unfair and there are strategies you can employ to ensure that your husband is sharing the responsibilities. Perhaps you could use MC as the place to set up some more flexible arrangements so you get some help?
OK - finding out he's calling the ow.
Erin - I'm sorry honey, I really am. They lie and they lie and they lie. However, there is nothing you can do about who he calls or who's place he crashes at. You guys are separated now, and regardless of whether you reconcile or not, his activities now are his business and all you can do is focus on yourself.
You know the rhetoric - GAL, Act as If, - move it from rhetoric to something real for you. Exercise, join a book club (a novel is a friend indeed - there are only so many self-help books one can read!!), take up a hobby. Do things that you have always thought to yourself would be fun. I know that it is tough with the little one to look after, get your husband (or his parents) to babysit.
You have a window of opportunity here, while he is off in lala land, to work on yourself and use the time you are working on yourself to work through the grief and the anger you feel with your husband.
It is so often said, but remains true to the core - you can't do anything about how he behaves right now - you can only chose how you behave - and I suspect you might surprise even yourself if you put your mind to it.
I'll check back in on you.
Take care, Virginia
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
