Hi folks - I'm posting for the first time in a long while because I feel like I'm caught up in a spin cylce with myself. A little catch up: H spen most of Feb talking about leaving, I finally discussed it with him becuase he was leaving either way. He went to stay at his Mom's 26Feb. We cried like babies the day he left, saying how we never ever thought we'd be in that situation, how he didn't know if leaving was the right hting to do, and I told him sincerely and lovingly that I wanted him to be happy in life, and I hoped that this separation helped. We went to M counseling 28 feb and he was nice-ish (gave a hug, asked how I was.) 2Mar he came to spend the evening with S2, and I left for the evening, despite his mixed messages "are you going out?" "Aren't you going to stay for dinner at least?" We had discussed how S2 only gets his attention if I leave, but still mixed messages. I went to a movie, and when I came home we talked for about 30 minutes in a "marriage conference" - something our MC suggests twice a week. Now, I am so confused, because at MC 28Feb, he asted like he was moving or shifting somehow - thought the separation was a good thing for his clarity etc., however, I guess I expected that that would be a linear path. I suppose that is my fist mistake. So, we communicated okay, but I always fear I give up too much in these conferences about how I am really doing instead of acting as if I don't mind running the house, tkaing care of the dog, working and raising our child alone. Being a single mom is truly awful to me, and I am surprised at how mad it makes me feel. In fact, I have been struggling with this new found anger - part of me thinks it has been around for a while, appropriately so, and I am just now feeling it, and then part of me says YES! feel it! Move through it! and part of me says oh no, quash that anger before it moves me to something I don't want. I am not used to feeling angry and I just don't know what to do with this. I mean, I see that anger is to be avoided, but I also suspect that anger left unmitigated turns into resentment, and that has been a trap for me my whole life.
Anyway, I was doing ok with the separation and DB thing until I found out on Friday morning that he is still in regular phone contact with her in Germany. I didn't mean to find out - I have put a maratorium on snooping, but when I needed to access the voicemail, and he wouldn't give me that password for our home phone voice over IP, I knew something was up. Turns out, he calls her for hours every weekend while he "watches" S2 while I'm at work. This hurts me in a brand new way - I knew they were e-mailing a bunch, and thought he was calling her at twork etc., but to know he calls her from OUR kitchen for hours while my sweet little guy is relegated to watching videos makes my blood boil. He literally calls her minutes after I walk out the door for a 24 hour shift every saturday. Also, I am trying to act cool about his life - essentailly not asking too much that he would want to lie about, but I stepped in something else. He apparently went out with friends Friday night, and when I said I was worried abotu him driving home late after drinking, he said he stayed in town, he would not say where. As I thought nobody knew our sitch, I could only imagine where. Yes, turns out he stayed with a female colleague "on the couch." How on earth should I believe this? I know it doesn't matter in the end, either he wants me or doesn't, but I have been thinking alot about the lengths he is going to hurt me lately, and can't help but wonder if I don't deserve the truth just so I could have the opportunity to decide if I really want him after all.
Anyway, its obvious to me in writing this how poor my DB boundaries have been. I really don't expect anybody to read all this drivel - it is devoid of any insight, just an accounting of hurts and actions - but I guess I needed to type it out to take stock of the last few weeks. I've never been much of a journal-er, but I am hoping that using this board that way will give me some resolve or strength at times when I don't know what to do next. (like now.) I guess I feel like we're in a DB neverland - I'm not trying to use any last resort yet, as we are supposedly actively working on M at MC, but he is not making any moves to end his R with OW, so I find myself acting aloof around him as if I were using the LR after all. So, what the heck am I doing? He has said that he thinks I am doing better than he is with this (!) - and I really am trying to GAL (have been running again about 15 miles a wk) One thing I just can't get around since the separation is how we have any chance when he is in contact with me 2-3 hours total per week which includes all parenting dicussions and 1 hour of marriage counseling, so very little actual conversation, and he is talking an e-mailing with her compulsively and daily. I mean, is there a better way to fall out of love with someone than cutting them out of your day to day life? I guess I can't see how this separation can turn out well, and I am so sad and discouraged these days.
More later about my particular DB screw ups in conversations with H - going from honesty and wearing my heart on my sleeve to this "acting as if" seems impossible to me at times- but I have to go do something fun with S2 now.
So, even though I read this through and feel ashamed of how whiny and useless it is, I am going to post anyway, with the idea from GH and others that writing is its own cure in some strange way...here goes...