Yes. It is. Stop doing it. You know everything you need to know right now. Snooping more will only hurt you and become addicting. Don't do it.
Maybe I should e-mail him love letters 6 times day too? I know that's not very DB, but how can I just watch him slipping closer and closer to her over these weeks and not want to fight fight fight for him?
Fighting for him will most likely only push him away. I know it hurts but this is not about you, it's about him. It's like quicksand. The more you fight, the deeper you get.
Should I tell anybody?
My advice, and Michelle's too, is NO, do not tell anybody. It only complicates things, both now and especially if you do reconcile. You may forgive and accept your H back but friends and family that care about YOU may not and it would put additional pressure on you both when you really don't need it.
Should we continue to go to marriage counseling when he is unwilling to take the step of quitting the affair that the MC is set on?
This is tricky. Some people say MC with an affair still ongoing could do more harm than good. Personally, I am trying to get my W to go even though her A continues. I think we need to get some things out in the open and since she won't talk to me one-on-one, maybe an impartial person could get her to open up. I just want to know what needs I have not met for her. I can guess but that's what got us to this point. The danger is that she/he feels pressured, does not want to admit the A or talk about the A/OP with C and it backfires on us. Like I said, tread lightly with this one and if you do go, be prepared to hear some things that will hurt a lot.
I suppose I am just graspong for some control, or some feeling that they recognize I have a teeny tiny little bit of control here. Can I threaten her and DB with him?
This is your major hurdle right now. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. I don't, Frank doesn't, Vince doesn't, Lisa doesn't, none of us do. You cannot control this. You cannot control the OW, or your H, you can only control you. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. Do not threaten. There are many stories here, actually all of them I have come across addressing contact with the OP or making threats, that end badly when this is done. It may make you feel better (trust me, I think about it daily) but I don't think it gets you closer to your goal of saving the M. If you do this, and your H comes back, do you think it will be because he wants to, loves you again, and is no longer interested in the OW? No, it will be because he wants his job and his social status. So he may come back but full of resentment and probably a renewed drive to push the A underground while proclaiming it over to the world (or just you).
Hope I answered your questions, on LBS to another.
