Oh lord. Snooping is bad. Bad bad bad. Just having read a days worth of crap e-mail from H to OW today, I am a bit nauseated and can't stop shaking. It is so 11th grade. Sort of a constant discussion of how hard it is to live with me and spend Sundays with me, along with this drivel of LOVE! (they have spent 6 days together total in thier lives.) My H is a very smart man. OUr MC has said to him "you don't know her", but it falls on deaf ears. I mean, how can our spouses take these wild chances? What if she is the type to come boil a rabbit on our stove while we're out? I know lust is powerful, but how does this this alien transformation take place? I pray every moment that he will change back, but I don't have a chance with her in his constant thoughts with 6-8 e-mails a day. And get this - today I had to suffer the humiliation of him buying a new wireless internet card and router so that he can be MORE wireless than he is with his blackberry, and we had to pretend that this is about work and not the affair! Does he really think I am a moron, or am I making this too easy on him? Maybe I should e-mail him love letters 6 times day too? I know that's not very DB, but how can I just watch him slipping closer and closer to her over these weeks and not want to fight fight fight for him?
Two questions for now: 1. Friends and family are largely in the dark, but those that know we are "having trouble" (about 4 people) are starting to wonder what the hell the problem is. I try to divert with talk of the things I am DBing on - compromise, finding happiness within etc., but frankly, it is just not believeable that we would D over this stuff. We are/were a strong couple with good crisis skills. Should I tell anybody? In particular his mother is starting to point fingers of blame at me etc., and I wish she would see the truth - (not that she would/could say anything. We see her at least weekly, adn they are very close. Unfortuanately, she has little to say about marriage, she is divorced like everybody in H's family, and even had two major relationships with married men while raising her two sons - openly - I mean these men taught my H to throw a football and such, just never left thier wives. Add a little Frued to that and this is seeming more and more hopeless. Little Boy version of H thinks leaving the family is the RIGHT thing to do, because it would have made his mother very happy... ) I mean, it is so obvious to me right now. and 2. Should we continue to go to marriage counseling when he is unwilling to take the step of quitting the affair that the MC is set on? Will his insistance undermine my DB'ing? The MC believes in DB for sure, but I don't want to spend 100's of $ while we wait for H to come out of his alien fog.? And finally, #3 (I know, I said 2, but..) I can't help but want to contact her when I read the [censored] she writes. I know she wouldn't stop seeing him for me - she cares not that she is wrecking his family - but I guess I want to hurt her a little. The fact is, I could ruin both of thier careers, but then D would be for sure. And I do know that threatening that is very non DB. I suppose I am just graspong for some control, or some feeling that they recognize I have a teeny tiny little bit of control here. Can I threaten her and DB with him? Okay, I have no chance of sleeping tonight unless I repeat over and over that his words to her have no meaning. IT is his actions with me that count, and that is all. And while he is far from loving or affectionate or anything familiar from our 8.5 y marriage, he is still living here and sleeping in the family bed. If only possession were 9/10ths of the marriage and love law too. Looking forward to your insight more than you all know. Thanks. E PS He wants to take me out for my birthday, I think. When he suggested it, I asked, would you like to? and he said I "deserved it" - but said nothing about wanting to go out with me. Do I take the pity gesture on my birthday and try to make it a memorable event? Pity is hard for me to bear - I have some tiny measure of pride left. Very very tiny.
