there is a little part of me that wants to know: Does this ever work? Yes, I have read some of the success stories posted here, but is it like .5% of DB'ers in this situation (non-contrite cheating spouse) that ever revive their marriages?
I don't know the statistics but I do know, as you hear SO many times, if I were not doing the DB thing (or my variation of it) my W would most likely be living with the OM now or at the least, she would be getting ready to move. Another thing I know, and you may not want to hear this, is that the DB process has helped me in ways I could never have imagined a month ago. Maybe time would have done the same thing, who knows. All I know is that my M is still worth fighting for and this is the best plan of attack I found in about 4 solid days of reading the internet and all the books I could find.
Try to be cheerful like Suzy Creamcheese and ignore his attitude - I sense he would resent my faking it - or just treat him like a roommate to take some of the emotional pressure off - i.e. no pretending like its all right, just joint care of the child and then seperate evenings after S2 is in bed?
I think there is another option. You can "act as if" and ignore your H's emotions/actions/words, but that is really just a stopgap behavior until you learn to detach. Right now, you need to realize that he doesn't want you to "treat" him any way. He is not considering you at all. When you "consider" him, it annoys him, makes him feel guilty, angers him, etc. Wondering what the best way to react to him is a trap in itself. You need to NOT react to him. Harder than it seems, I know. He doesn't want to leave just yet, but you can't stand to be around him without reacting, right? Just realize that you are still in shock. Your emotions are swirling and the pain is intense. You will make mistakes. Don't dwell on them. You can only do your best, which right now is not as good as it will be weeks from now. It DOES get better. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next day, but it will. It's your job now to take care of yourself, your son and get through these early days. It is one of the hardest thing in the world to, I know. It will feel impossible. It will feel like you want to just end the marriage right now. Do not give in to those feelings. They are temporary and they will pass.
I know you are hurting. I know you are looking for answers and some guarantees. You will find some answers along the way but guarantees are hard to come by in these sitches. You are among friends here, and if nothing else, you can take solace in that. You are stronger than you think. We all are.
