Mama, you KNOW this is not personal. Your reading list tells me that. Review what you know about yourself and him. You will see that what you've been told it true. This is HIS guilt, not yours. How long you choose to wait for him to realize that is up to you, but you have tremendous strength and I believe you can do it if you want to.
Why is it that I can absolutely know what I need to do and do it but when I need to be holding onto those principles the most I revert to ego-driven emotions? I got picked on today and it pissed me off. I should have been able to let it go see it for what it is, yet in the moment I was indignant.
I think I mentioned this somewhere, H is addicted to painkillers. He told me he takes between 8-10 a day. He originally said he wouldn't quit till after the D because all of this process was so draining. Well tonight I called to tell him I had packed his things and they were on the front porch and he told me that he was weaning himself off the PK. Great, right? He says that he is going to only take 6 for this coming week, then 5 for the next week and so on. That he is really scared because he doesn't know how he can interact with people without them, it makes him so laidback... I said that it is good that he is finally going to have to deal with who he really is instead of hiding. Then he tells me OW convinced him to just start now and not wait until the D is final.
That was like a knife in my heart. Why does she get to have so much influence over him? She gets to play saviour.
I am going to go read some more so that I can come back here and feel a tad more centered. I hate how quickly I can lose my center.
That was like a knife in my heart. Why does she get to have so much influence over him? She gets to play saviour.
I know. I really do understand. H's o.w. is doing the same thing. I think because the WAH (in both of our cases) blames the marriage, etc. for all their unhappiness, it doesn't matter if we try to gently talk to them to get help, etc. I've been there, done it with my H. Only when o.w. told him he was depressed did he listen up. We are in a very difficult position right now. Nothing we say is going to get through to them. But in the end, we can hope our H's see the o.w. for what they really are.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I get caught in the moment and all my DB wisdom flies out the window.
H has the kids from Saturday evening until Monday after pre-school. He is staying at his mom's who lives down the road from me. So every night that he has the kids he leaves as soon as they go to bed to be with OW. His mom then watches them.
Last night I did a drive by to see if he was there and of course he wasn't. So I called MIL and said that if he was unwilling to watch the kids on the 2 nights of the week he has them, I will come and get them. The custody arrangement we worked out is not for MIL to watch them, she is not a custodial parent. I believe they need to be with either H or I and if he was unwilling to fulfill his part of the bargain I will watch them 7 nights a week.
She said she would make sure he never leaves on nights that he has the kids.
We backslid BIG TIME Saturday. Huge fight about child support, him saying I am dragging my feet in filing. . . Then he goes so far as to say, "Your feelings don't matter. I don't love you. I am in love with OW." He said he only makes 12,000 /yr [X4] so I owe him child support. THAT is when I truly lost it. Told him that if he wanted to go that route I would f*ck him so royally he wouldn't know which end was up. He threatened to cut off the electric and internet [bills are in his name] immediately.
MIL and I talked and agreed all communication needs to go through an intermediary because H and I are so volatile right now.
This is the first time that I have allowed myself to feel rage, to seriously want to screw him over for the way he has been treating me. Not a pleasant feeling.
So, now I am back to square one, GAL, going dark, and finding a PMA.
I want off this roller coaster.
I want to get back to my place of strength and understanding. I know his actions aren;t about me, they are about him but sometimes it seems like he is intentionally trying to goad me into completely losing it.
I have to let go. walk away. It is so hard for me to not feel entitled to know what he is doing, what he is thinking. How do you go from being best friends to sworn enemies? This is just so awful.
