I absolutely agree with everything all of you have said. Robyn [my H] had serious issues surrounding his parents divorce and saw alot of toxic things. Both remarried multiple times and wound up really screwing up his ability to understand commitment, relatinships, and happiness. He saw both of them seeking happiness externally.
And the part about men not having a support network is so true. I even teach that in my sociology classes. Men lose their only emotional outlet when their g/f or W leaves. Which often explains why they quickly rebound into another relationship, find OW before leaving the first one, or sink into a deep depression at the demise of a relationship or the death of a partner. Elderly men are more likely to die within a year or two of becoming a widow than women are [unless the men remarry of course]. Women actually report to have a second coming after their spouse dies. They start going on cruises with their girlfriends, I mean think of all of the purple hat wearing mamas out there, enjoying their single life and newfound freedom. Not to say, that they don't mourn the death of their husband, just that they have a stronger support network.
Now back to me
I have been thinking alot about my sitch today and I have realized much what I have realized before.
Robyn, even if he leaves Alyssa [OW] is not at a healthy enough place for me to be with.
This whole debacle has allowed me to see the parts of me that I allowed to slip away in the five years that I have been with Robyn. When I met him I was incredibly independent, I did exactly as I chose, gave compassion and kindness to the world without expecting anything in return. I loved for the sake of loving, would lie in the grass and feel the energy surround me from the earth and the sky. I used to constantly write, explore ideas, meet new people and share myself, my true self with almost everyone I met. I did not see my self as the hottest girl in the world, but that didn't matter. I knew that my soul's light shined through me, and people gravitated to me.
Somehow, in the time I was with Robyn, I no longer was able to write, I had to give up huge pieces of myself to accomodate him. [I know it seems insignificant to you all , but circumsizing Dylan almost destroyed me.] I had to teach, I had to stay in this awful wasteland, the land that I hated and was dying to leave. I had to do all of these things for the hope of a future reward. That I would get to fulfill my dreams once the kids were older, etc,etc. In the process of giving so much of myself away, I lost my confidence, I no longer felt attractive, my inner light became dim and often even I could not see it. I started needing Robyn to love me, just so that I had value, worth.
It is amazing to me looking back that I was so accomodating, that in the day to day interaction I didn't even realize that all of my hard work that had led me to a place of wholeness was slowly but surely slipping away.
I spoke the words of spirit, but only sometimes felt it.
Robyn is not the partner for me. He has so much pain and emotional poison in his heart. He seeks happiness from external pursuits. He needs others to make him happy, which is why he fell in love with me. He saw the way my light shined brightly and devoured it until there was nothing left for me to give. I became a shell of my former self. And then he moved on to the next source of distraction/happiness: poker, and drugs, and of course, there was always the music.
He hates himself, he truly believes that there is no hope for him to be happy because of the darkness in his soul. He thinks that he can only be happy from the outside.
I KNOW that happiness only comes from within. I know that I can share that happiness with others, but ultimately if I give it away, I only create an addict that will suck me dry. I know that all of the love in the world is within me right now. I know that if I need to experience love I can look around and LIFE is offering it to me in great abundance. The trees, the flowers, the birds, the moon, all of life is offereing to share love. And I must give it as well. Not because I owe it to anyone but because only through giving the love that is within me can I be happy.
I thought that because Robyn and I spoke so much about spirituality early on that he was truly interested in spiritual growth. And he was, as long as it didn't require any effort. I cannot tell you how my ideas went from being "amazing" to being "hokie" And little by little that part of me hid deep within.
So here I am realizing that Robyn and I are not at the same place as far as our spiritual development, and we may never be. And that is okay. I wish him well in his journey. Some people need to experience great trauma to wake up, and I hope his doesn't kill him. I know that this trauma has simply been the platform for me to reach new heights and to learn the mistakes that I will never allow myself to make again.
I know that I am okay. I am ready to file. With a peaceful heart. I have to let him go so that I may be free to discover the truths of my own soul. He didn't hold me back, but being with him turned me into a person that held myself back, wanting love and acceptance. Know what? Who I am is good enough and always has been. Not for Robyn, but for me. And THAT is what really matters.
I know that my strength has come back. And I wish him well, right now at least. I have been on a rollercoaster the 2 months, and when I don't let my ego get in the way, I keep coming back to these same truths.
And guys, if you want to know what books have helped me along the way, The Mastery of Love [not so mcuh about loving others but more about loving ourselves] and The Voice of Knowledge. The Four Agreements also rocks. They are all by Don Miguel Ruiz.
And just as a side note, I met someone a few years ago, just randomly that told me they were an angel. Who knows really what they really were but whatever the case, he gave me a pearl of wisdom that I have carried with me since that time.
I asked him which religion was the "true" one. He laughed and said they all shared truth. he said that he couls tell me the one commandment that made the world the way it is and is the only way of changing it. It was "love thy neighbor as thyself." He says the problem in our soiciety, in our world, is that we have so guilt and blame for ourselves that of course we send that same poison out into the world. We DO love our neighbors as ourselves, the issue is that we don't love ourselves. If we could only love ourselves the way that God loves us, then in turn we could realize that who are we to judge anyone. Give them love, let them sort themselves out. I know that I have sent tons of pain out into the world as a result of not feeling safe with myself, hating, blaming, myself.
Well not anymore. I am going to work on forgiving myself and all of thise around me.
