I have read te books. I just don't know. I feel like I am hanging on to a dream that wasn't real to begin with. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a future that was created only in my head.
I only knew a tiny percentage of who he really was, he only allowed me to see a part of himself. And I based my vision of my future on that. He blames me for never caring to know the real him. That isn't true, I just stopped beating against the wall after a few years and accepted him for what he chose to give me.
So now I see clearly who he is, how lost he is, and how far he has to come in order toheal from the demons of his past.
I faced my demons before I met him and was the most whole that I have ever been. But over time I lost that part of me within our relationship. I started needing him to love me instead of just sharing my love with him. I gave my happiness to him even though I learned a long time ago that only I can create my happiness, I can share it with others, but I cannot get it from another.
So here I am, knowing that he has so much work to do, and he is in such denial, making excuses, blaming me for his issues, for his unhappiness, seeking to love himself by having someone new love him. None of that will change when the A ends.
Do I really want to sit around for years as he *might* make it to a place of health? he has turned to drugs to handle his emotions since he was a young teenager. His T even says that T has seen 20 y/os with more emotional maturity than H. And H doesn't even realize it. H truly believes that he is destined to be unhappy, so he seeks happiness from anything external.
I don;t want to be his happiness again. That is to much pressure on me, and will just cause him to leave again when I can't give all of my energy and soul into him.
So here I am. I know the beauty that his soul is capable of, I have swam in it, I have known his pain and his potential in a very god-like way. he has shared mine. We are connected. BUT, if that connection is no longer healthy for me, do I let go, start my own path, and hope he catches up, or wait around to hold his hand through his journey.
I have tried the second option many times before with many people, and it always winds up with me becoming their crutch, them feeling like they need me in order to be happy.
