Me: 30 H: 28 S-almost 4 S- 20 months Married 3 years, together 5
I am so lost in this. I found out 1/3 that my husband was having an affair with a close friend of mine. It started out as an EA, then the day after telling OW his feelings [right after Thanksgiving], he told me he wanted to separate. ILYBNILWY, etc, etc. I was shocked. We don't fight, we had an amazing sex life. Things had gotten a bit boring, we had become complacent, btu nothing earth-shattering.
So I immediately suspected it had to do with her, but he denied it, said it was about his unhappiness with me, that he didn't want to work on it, etc. He agreed to go to counseling so that I could come to terms with it and we could leave in a "healthy" way for the kids.
I asked him to move out a week before X-mas because he used me sexually. That is the core issue I had to overcome and one of the main reasons why I fell in love with him was that he never treated me like a body. So to be used by my husband and then told, this changes nothing, devastated me.
We were supposed to go on a cruise over x-mas with the kids, but he backed out. I found out that he brought the OW to my house at least 3x. he played it off as just friends, but it made me ill. I finally got it out of him that he had feelings for her. The next day while searching around on my computer I found a post by her on a bulletin board about having sex with him. Dated the week I was out of town. I confronted him, and he immediately confessed to onyl kissing her. Whatever. The sheets had been changed in my bed.
Since then, he has been demanding a divorce, wanting to start his new life with her. [We actually had sex 3x in the week following me finding out... healthy right?] He has told me that if she weren't in the picture he would be wantign to work on his relationship with me.
His birthday is Thursday and his mom was going to take HER and BIL and BIL's girlfriend out to dinner for his birthday. [She wouldn't allow HER to come to MIL's house, wouldn't allow OW to bring her 5 m/o baby, or H to bring our kids.] Then MIL rethought it and decided to haev it at MIL's house on Sunday. OW is not allowed there, especially because our kids will be there. H invited me to go on Sunday.
All of my friends say hell no. They all want me to file. They think that I need to demand self-respect. That I shouldn't be second choice to anyone.
He wanted to file this week, but wants it to be amicable. He is afraid that if he files before I am ready that I will go after him. So he is willing to wait until I am ready to move forward.
He has the boys on Saturday evening until Monday afternoon. He is staying at MIL's. When they go to bed each night, he leaves to go to OW's.
AND he has recently admitted to lying to me for two years about a painkiller addiction.
I haev stopped going to the therapist, because I he thinks H is too far gone, that he is so emotionally immature that it will take YEARS of work to get him to a place where we can stand as equals. H is still going to IT.
I am trying to stay dark and GAL. I try not to initiate contact, but we see each other EVERY DAY. [He watched the kids while I am at work.] So sometimes we get into it.
EG, last night I asked MIL if she thought OW's 5 m/o could be H's. When she asked him he lost it, called me and flew off the handle. My point is that I don't know my H anymore. This guy is NOTHING like the guy I married.
So I wonder, am I better off leaving him? I don't see their relationship lasting, but I am not sure I want him back anyway. I mean he has a TON of work to do to be haelthy enough for me to want to be in a R with him. [He hates himself, looks for happiness outside himself, expects love to make him happy] I am incredibly spiritual and being with him caused me to deny some of the most important aspects of myself.
I guess I am just lost. I don't knwo whether I should go to the party. I don't know whether I should file. i don't know whether I should get him a present, or just get him one "from the boys." Shoudl S4 and I make a birthday cake for him [tradition] I am just spinning around.
