Very bad day...Bad thoughts all day.. DEcided to pull back for only 2 days now,havent spoken to wife at all today,i picked up the kids for the weekend.Weve been seperated for 3 months now.
Well,im just having bad thoughts now about how im going to get through this and if i want to.
I think ultimately i would probably want to reconcile..i have this whole time,but i have seen the word enabling around here abit lately,and i dont know if i can do that.Its like i think she will ultimately want to reconcile one day but how do i just ler her keep everything we have,keep the kids..knowing she is having an affair?How can i let her do this to me.I have even called my Lawyer today to see what chance i have a getting a better deal than the seperation agreement we have.I'm just really out of it today,and just dont think she should be able to get away with this.I have taken responsibility for our marriage problems,but know the only reason she now decided after 12 years to get seperated is because maybe she "thinks"shes in love..either that or just wants to mess around for a while.
How do i cope with this?Knowing it goes against everything i stand for.I mean its one thing to go out one night and have some drinks and make a mistake..but to let yourself get emotionally involved with someone and destroy our familyfor it is another.I want to be strong and be there when and if the time comes to pull my family back together,but dont know if that will come,and if i think or dont know the future why not just be an ass and put her out on the street.She would never leave without the kids..already tried that..made her leave..but she took the kids with her to a co-workers house and i couldnt stand that but 2 days,and let her take the house back over.Really confused and feel like she has her cake and is eating it up too.She knows how i feel by all the begging,pleading,etc. and probably feels like no matter what i will take her back whenever she gets ready..What i want is to get to the point where i dont want her back,but dont know if that is attainable,and considering i still love her more than ever,and want nothing more than my family to be whole again,i am clueless as to where to go from here.\
The seperation papers are ready to sign,and i feel like she thinks thats just her getting a green light to continue her affair.She has and never will admit the affair,this maybe to secure a way to come back to me one day..who knows?I dont know whether to go ahead and sign the papers(i dont want to)or tell her she needs to do it on her own if thats what she wants.The agreement favors me as far as not having to pay alimony,and the child support is fair...but she keeps the house(cant afford),and most importantly i've been reduced to an every other weekend Dad,and that is just not enough for me.3 D's 6,8,12...They are just really confused,and she doesnt care and just thinks everything is going to be peachy..and dont believe it is affecting them as bad as it is.
Ive already had some great advice from here and has helped alot,but feel like im on the verge of taking a big step backwards if i dont bite my tongue.It just isnt right.
