i realize im screwing up everyday but cant seem to help myself.
I know that feeling. But what it is, is that dwelling on these matters in a negative way (I know, how can one not?) builds feelings and eventually one may act on those feelings. You need to learn how to turn the faucet off before you overflow and react in an emotional gush to relieve the frustration and anger. It's true here, it's true in road rage, you name it.
it seems every time I take a strong stand she does something to make me hang on?
She's giving you mixed messages? Watch actions then, not the words.
Personally ,and this just may be a man talking himself into it,but deep down I know she doesnt want the marriage right now,but also I feel very strongly that she will want it back some time,even though she continues to say its over
It's true that every WAS that's ever reconciled at one time believed 200% that it was over for good. But we don't know what the future holds for any of us.
partlt because I was calling her everyday trying to give her the guilt trip about the kids,or trying to convince her of how great things would be now that we have learned so much about each other.
Causing continued guilt in someone does not draw them closer to you. Would you personally be drawn to someone who brings up grudges, brings up your "mistakes", or would you be more inclined to find attractive someone who more understanding of your errors?
Reasoning with the WAS also doesn't work well, as their journey is not fueled by reason or logic, but by emotions. Fact is, offering up what you believe to be valid reasons, even if they in truth are valid reasons, becomes something the WAS then can argue against, and trust me, they generally will find the loophole in the argument or throw you a curve, anything, to justify what they're doing. Why assist them in building that wall of theirs by reasoning with them?
Obviously the ultimatum did nothing
Consider issuing ultimatums as being akin to bluffing in poker, perhaps? If your opponent doesn't think they have a winning hand, they're more likely to fold. If they're convinced they can win, they're more likely to stay in. In the emotional, infatuational, euphoric throes of an affair, and after some time of emotionally detaching from the primary relationship, and viewing you as painful, it's highly unlikely that a WAS is going to choose coming back when issued an ultimatum.
she still denies an affair,and sometimes she is very believable and sometimes I think im kidding myself.All I know for sure of plans to have one,and they were atleast talking romantically,in person and on the phone.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you don't need it to tell you it's a duck.
I feel like she seperated(yes our marriage was not perfect)so she wouldnt feel so guilty about an affair.
More likely is that she wanted to be able to freely conduct her affair. There may be some guilt in there, but perhaps the point here is not to analyze and impute what she may or may not be feeling, unless it's very evident. Otherwise you're merely engaging in guessing games, and then basing what you do correspondingly on a guess. That is a faulty premise for your plan of action. It also will have you flip flopping around as your "analysis", or "guessing" changes around.
She wants a good divorce??(is there such a thing)
Does she mean a "friendly" divorce? You know, not like "War Of The Roses".
She still has this thought in her head that everything could still be the same.We can be a happily Divorced couple.
She may feel that the pressure's off if she's divorced. Without the relationship to contend with, the negativity isn't present as it was. That could be a good thing, but one doesn't need to divorce to end the relationship. You and I know that a divorce merely nulls out the marriage certificate, but the relationship can continue nonetheless, as long as you want it to, until someone dies. She doesn't know that.
I kind of hate her for what shes doing,i feel like shes playing me for all she can get.
Well, these are your feelings, and what helps is not to see it as being "done to you", rather, she's doing it for herself.
i mean it is her putting everyone through hell,and does not seem to feel all that guilty for it,yet I feel bad about being mean to her?????What the hell is wrong with me.
I don't see what's wrong with that. Are you suggesting that it's better for you to feel good about being mean to her? It's better to return tit for tat? Treat others as they treat you is the better golden rule? Isn't there something about you taking the higher road that's of value? It's your conscience speaking to you when you act mean towards her. You can't help how others treat you, except to set boundaries, but you can help how you treat others, even in the face of adversity.
You're dealing with a WAS. WASs act like WASs act. Just like sharks act like sharks. Now, me, personally, when and if I'm ever confronted by a shark, I don't plan on being mean to it, but I'm going to understand not to expect the shark to act like a goldfish.
Honestly there were times when I thought of ending our marriage way before this,but hearing the words come out of her mouth turned the tables on everything.
Just wondering... in the past, when you two had arguments, did you ever get ticked and mention the "divorce" word to her in anger?
I guess I should have left the first time she asked..let her have her affair and keep my mouth shut...But Im a man after all..
What is a "man"? Does the definition of being a man mean only that you throw your wife out like yesterday's garbage when she decides she's going to break the marriage vows? Maybe. Does it mean you're going to brave the rough waters and try to change what's wrong? Could be. Gee, I've done both. Having done both, I think it takes a lot of love and understanding and fortitude to wish and attempt to do the latter.
I mean I went from "trying"to be mean tonight to calling leaving her a message"she wouldnt answer the phone"to tell her I wanted her to be happy,and if that meant not being with me so be it.And wished her happy b-day.
OK, you delivered a message saying you want her nothing but happiness. Now nix it, no more such messages, they need not be repeated, or they will lose their meaning to her. It also is that you are sending mixed messages to her, you know. Your call says "I want you to be happy", but then you're also "trying to be mean to her", "making her feel guilty", "arguing with her about why she should come back", and all that undermines the "wish of happiness" message. It's better that you leave it at you 'want her to be happy" and then disengage from her and go do things for now that make you happy, things that have nothing to do with her, like your upcoming trip.
I ve been trying to go dark for a few days,but like I said she always finds a reason and a way to get in touch with me,so im having trouble with that.
Being "dark", in part, means that you don't initiate contact, not she. If she initiates contact, the rule of thumb for staying dark is "return some calls/emails, not all", "don't return calls/emails immediately", "be vague about your doings".
And being so far away right now its so hard for her to see any positive changes in me(not that there have been a whole lot yet)
Well, you keep working on those changes until they're in your core, like breathing. In time, she'll notice them in whatever contacts you have with her, in ways you can't perceive.
