Thank yall for your words, That's the thing..i realize im screwing up everyday but cant seem to help myself.I actually did feel good yesterday after i told her,that is until then she calls me and finds something to talk about to me..it seems every time i take a strong stand she does something to make me hang on?Personally ,and this just may be a man talking himself into it,but deep down i know she doesnt want the marriage right now,but also i feel very strongly that she will want it back some time,even though she continues to say its over,partlt because i was calling her everyday trying to give her the guilt trip about the kids,or trying to convince her of how great things would be now that we have learned so much about each other. One thing that i am very concerned about is the involvement of all of our friends and family,and i am partly to blame for that...but literally everyone has taken my side on this whole thing,and im just afraid that if she ever did want to come back if she would with all the baggage we have layed out these last 3 months. As a woman out there..would you let this affect your decision???? Obviously the ultimatum did nothing,and dont feel to bad about it..she still denies an affair,and sometimes she is very believable and sometimes i think im kidding myself.All i know for sure of plans to have one,and they were atleast talking romantically,in person and on the phone.I feel like she seperated(yes our marriage was not perfect)so she wouldnt feel so guilty about an affair.Maybe i can at least feel good about that fact?She didnt want to do it while we were still together,which gives me hope that if she comes back i can trust her again. Your right about the wanting a quick fix,as my wife would say..you got to have it all or nothing. She wants a good divorce??(is there such a thing)She still has this thought in her head that everything could still be the same.We can be a happily Divorced couple. That just doesnt seem possible to me.I kind of hate her for what shes doing,i feel like shes playing me for all she can get..i cant hardly even talk to my kids every night without wanting to break down and she knows this. Every time i take a stand,i end up feeling bad about leaving things a bad way..kind of messed up huh..i mean it is her putting everyone through hell,and does not seem to feel all that guilty for it,yet i feel bad about being mean to her?????What the hell is wrong with me. Honestly there were times when i thought of ending our marriage way before this,but hearing the words come out of her mouth turned the tables on everything.I see everything so clearly now about how life should be and wanting my kids to grow up in a positive environment,and also realizing how much i really do love my wife. We have both done some terrible things these past 3 months,and wonder if we could ever get things back... I guess i should have left the first time she asked..let her have her affair and keep my mouth shut...But Im a man after all.. I mean i went from "trying"to be mean tonight to calling leaving her a message"she wouldnt answer the phone"to tell her i wanted her to be happy,and if that meant not being with me so be it.And wished her happy b-day. Planning a little trip next weekend with the kids,and thats going to make her real jealous.I ve been trying to go dark for a few days,but like i said she always finds a reason and a way to get in touch with me,so im having trouble with that.And being so far away right now its so hard for her to see any positive changes in me(not that there have been a whole lot yet)if you call laying in bed thinking about evrything everyday,then yeah i guess that is a change from how i was!??@##. Thanks for the comments and advice, keep it coming,because i just seem to keep screwing things up! Dee
