Welcome, or not. Sorry to hear about your sitch. My first advice is to read my sitch and Tim's. You can find mine from the beginning by searching for totallymessed up. The first thread is in the Newcomers section and is titled "My WAW is having an affair too!" or something close to that. The second thread is in this forum and is called "Unique situation?...Where we are now" and the third is "Unique situation...part 2". Tim's can be found by searching for his screen name too. Vince, Frank, and PArob also have sitches that relate well to yours. Frank's would be of particular interest because of his insight, but it's a long read.
So, beyond that, have you read the books (DB/DR) and are you trying to practice DBing? You sound like you are having a tough time accepting what she's doing to you, correct? If so, one of the things you hear around here a lot is that your WAW is NOT doing this to YOU. It is not about you. IF you can find a way to accept that, then some of the resentment goes away. She is doing this for HER and while it hurts like hell to have her not give a damn about you, it is the truth. It's not that she doesn't care about you at all, or wants you dead or anything, it's that she has made the decision that she is going to explore what is right for her without regard for your feelings or wishes. At this point, you do have a couple options and probably more but as I see it, you can some variation of either: 1) Issue an ultimatum. Him or me. (see Tim's thread for how this usually goes). If you do this, there is no going back and the pain will not be gone, it will just be different. The reasons for not doing this fall under the heading of "You cannot control other people." It may feel good to do at the time, but it may ultimately backfire. If you choose this, you must be prepared to accept that she may very well say, ok, it's him! If she thinks she is "in love" with this guy, then she has a very good chance of being blind to the reason you are trying to get her to see by issuing the ultimatum.
2) DB, work on yourself and use this time as your friend to work on things you need to do to be stronger within and without your M. This is what most of us here are doing. It is the hard road for sure. It hurts every day, but we believe that at the end of the process, with or without our WAS, we will be in a place to make our lives better. We will have made the personal changes necessary to ensure our own happiness and not rely on the outcome of our W's decision to do that for us. If you want to put it in terms of your R, then you are doing what you need to do to alter your 50% of the issues in the M, for better or worse.
No matter what, are you seeing a counselor? If not, you really should. It helps to have someone you can talk to that should be able to help you sort out your feelings and guide you on a path that will let you take care of you.
I hope your sitch works out for you. In any event, don't let how you feel right now dictate what you do or say because as all of us can attest to, you will feel differently next hour, day, and week. Make goals, and everything you do or say from this point on should contribute to the success of that goal, or it doesn't get said or done. It's one of the principals in the books. Keep posting. Journal. Let us help if we can. Believe you can do it!
